Since my mom has decided to grace herself with being the number one fan of this blog, I figured I couldn’t change the name of it, because I liked it too much, so I’ll welcome her to the table with this story. Stripper time.
This weekend some friends came into town & after bottles of wine & dinner on a rooftop bar, we decided to trade in a little class for trash. Strip club anyone? We were pre-warned that this place was not the greatest, but it was only a mile or so away & would be entertainment at the very least. And I guess I should throw out a mini disclaimer that I don’t mind going to strip clubs, & have been to a few...the music is decent & the boots are shiny. So we rolled into this place & it was everything I expected - the size of my living room, rope style Christmas lights lining the stage, a DJ booth that was meant for midgets & a few pool tables in the back. The cigarette smoke was thick & although I couldn’t breathe, it made every female in there look like nicki minaj.
Of course for these occasions it always has to be someone’s fake birthday, and I’m the one that got chosen. After verifying with the bartender that we wouldn’t be stabbed, we ordered a couple buckets of beer, & traded in our twenties for singles. Let’s be clear when 2chainz said that he wanted to be buried inside of the booty club, I didn’t think he meant in one that was the size of a coffin.
Our next move was buying our dear friend a lap dance to spice things up & he was down. The club was way too small for a VIP area, so for $10 he got a lap dance in a corner chair. Me being the instigator that I am, decided that I would join him & be there for moral support…aka… just throw down more bills to make it interesting. So dennis rodman came over in a corset & a thong and we were in business. She also had one of those tattoos on her ass cheek that looked like it may have been an intricate mural of some sort & now it just looks like mike tyson’s face. I kept tucking bills in his shirt, his pockets & in her thong of course. Things kept getting more & more heated & I just kept throwing out the dollar bills. First the tits came out, & then pants were being unzipped with teeth…she reached above him to pull these chains from the ceiling & at that point I was outta there. I think there was some sort of dog collar next to the railing, but I wasn’t hanging out to find out. I realized that my dollar bill giving had gotten out of control & I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, but I sure as hell was getting what I paid for… an interactive ride through the vagina safari.
Dennis had to go up on stage after that, so we were graced with even more of her flawless moves. By flawless moves, I mean her stomach making most of the slapping noises. Don’t get me wrong, homegirl was full of confidence, or hyped up on heroin, but she was workin it to say the least. I decided to give her my last few bills because I didn’t want crumpled stripper dollars in my purse the next day. A man had all her attention, so I just decided to walk up & set the bills on the edge of the stage & she took them obvi…I just didn’t want to interrupt their obvious love connection. As we’re chugging the remainder of our beers & high tailing it out of there, the love connection, who looked like a clint eastwood/injun joe hybrid, makes his way over to me. I could hear the tumbleweeds blowing across the floor & the eerie whistling noise. With his weird cowboy hat tipped back, he made straight eye contact & says “that was very disrespectful of you to do that”. I was appalled. I just got called disrespectful in a strip club, ironic to say the least. So I asked him why he thought so, and he said, “because you’re supposed to hand them what they earn, not just throw it up there”. So I turned, looked at him & just said “I’ll do what I want with my money” & gave him a stink eye all the way out the door. Sorry I set it down instead of putting it in between her cheeks. I would have probably said to more to him, but I didn’t want him to go all Wild West on me. I don't feel like I'm ever disrespectful...for my own personal tastes, I'm more on a look but don't touch policy. Someone help me out here…I would never want to be disrespectful to anyone, was I in the wrong? Is there a stripper code that I’m not aware of & where can I read these directions? I’d like to know for future strip club ventures, so feel free to message me any tips. R-e-s-p-e-c-t, I’m channeling Aretha right now.
-BR
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