don't take my advice, i don't even take my advice

As most alcoholidays tend to be, this weekend was an entire day drinking shit show. Between saturday & sunday, I was hungover on monday morning to the point of just wanting to die, clinging to the porcelain throne. Fortunately for me, I got to work 9 hours!, which only delayed my hangover death until tuesday, 2 days later?! I think I’m getting old, but to be fair to myself I drank enough to kill 34 Irishmen so I would say it was a well deserved hangover. So to force myself out of bed this morning, I just had to roll off the edge & hope that the impact with the floor would work as an alarm…& it did.    

So after years of experience & this past weekend readily reminding me, I have a few tips for you venturous day drinkers. This may be biased towards females & those living in florida, but hey, check all that apply:

 Eat breakfast – & not a granola 100 calorie pack…eat something heavy, like bison or caribou. And for you skinny bitches, you might want to bring along some goldfish or kind bars for when the drunk munchies happen. Although you think that you’ll stop & eat at some point, it never happens…everyone just rallies & is all like “let’s keep drinking” & you end up throwing up into a potted plant in between bars.

Pack a flask/drink a few at home – although all of us may like to seem like kajillionaires, I guarantee a $20 bottle of fireball is cheaper than 30 shots of fireball at the bar. The way math goes is 30 shots, multiplied by $5 per shot equals $150 & let’s be real, wait time on drinks on st. patty’s day is ridic, so I much rather have a little sippy sip of something while I wait.

Drink water – everybody always plans on water breaks but it never happens. That’s why vodka-waters were created. Drink those for a few rounds & I feel like that counts.

Bring arm candy – this is especially important if you know your ex will be out, or if you have a slight chance of running into his new/old girlfriend that just so happens to look like the koolaid man pitcher thingy had sex with a pug. It’s not my fault that my male friends happen to be extremely attractive & work well for pissing people off. Commmeee onnnn. It’s a good time.

Bring extra things for outfits/makeup for disasters – guys you know you might sweat through that shirt at lemon bar & not have anything to walk inside in to the next bar…& no chick is going home with sweaty man-pits. & girls, bring shoes just in case you break yours (meaning your sandals apart because you tripped over everything) & most importantly bring a mini makeup bag, included with makeup remover towelettes, eyeliner & a powder compact…because an oily face is not cute. & you don’t want to look like jack sparrow when you’re crawling to the last bar.

 Bring cash – cab fares, valet parking & pesky bathroom attendants that you have to pay off in order to use the men’s bathroom because the women’s restroom line is too long. I would’ve traded a BJ but I didn’t have time for all that, so $8 did the trick. Also I like to open a tab & just pay the tip in cash so that you don’t have any bank surprises on monday morning. I rather my account be pending the correct amount instead of being like holy shit I’m poor after your drunken transactions go through.

 Bring a phone charger – nothing worse than being stranded & cellphone-less because you wandered off talking to the flavor of the week & your phone dies with none of your girls in sight.

So with all this responsibility talk, let’s be clear that it’s still difficult to do so. I mean it’s kind of hard when people are all like “it’s a marathon, not a sprint” & I’m all like fuck it, I’m downing these shots of whiskey to keep shit interesting. So just in case you don’t remember anything after 6pm, make sure you’re having fun with people you know will bring no drama, no bullshit, remind you of all the fucked up stuff you did & be there to punch the annoying kim kardashian wanna-be’s when one of them almost breaks off your toe with their stiletto. (if you wear heels of any sort to the beach, you should die anyways)… & keep a camera ready for prime people watching...because you aren't the only drunk asshole dancing the night away with a corona half spilling on you every second. Just in case you end up with a hangover that makes you want to drown yourself in the atlantic ocean, make sure you're stocked up on gatorade, advil, saltines & an emergen-C packet...because if you can keep that down, the B vitamins really help kill that sluggish feeling & might get you re hydrated faster. Then you're never drinking again....until next weekend. 

this lady showed up solo at the pier, & because i'm an evil bitch, i had to snap a picture of her billy jean, overly sequined outfit, with her 8 chunky necklaces on, and i'm not exaggerating...probably 3-4 rings on EACH finger. although she was twitching from too many pills popped, & had more chin hairs than teeth, she thought she looked good & that's all that matters

the only real reason for being at the pier for sunday funday, splittone. & the only reason for tuesday boozeday's at lynch's. check 'em out if you haven't.


-BR