wing womaning

This post is for my guys. Ari & I are probably the best wing women you could ever hope to have. We can talk anyone into anything, so if you’re trying to get some actiooonnnn…your best bet is to get us liquored up & set us free in any bar. I’ve gotten females for guys in 7 minutes or less & I’ve earned these bragging rights. Most females that have groups of guy friends fuck up any chance their friends have with other girls because they’re there to cockblock, on purpose, & they really aren’t there to help out…even though they say they are. (I’m sure she wants to sleep with, or already has slept with half of the friends circle) I have the “I can get dick on my own, so I don’t need yours” attitude, so I’m all for helping out my guys with getting some eh eh.

So ladies, have you ever had a female come up to you & say “hey, my friend across the bar over there thinks you’re really cute & wants to like buy you a drink” *valley girl voice*. (& you glance over & he looks like a lost puppy) ….What?! This is a wing woman FAIL. You know what I say to these girls? “why don’t you take your balls back to your friend & have him prey on some other weak ass female, & if you ever get this close to my face again…I’ll slam it into the bar”…sorry I got carried away, but you get the drift. This is not the way to be a good sidekick. You don’t want your man friend to seem like a pussy, so instead you need to build him up…confidence or not, he better act like he has it. 

The first step is to down a few drinks, liquid courage is the way to go for any situation. Unless that situation is a job interview. Figure out what rating (1-10 scale) of a guy you’re working with…because if you have a 7, you can’t look for a girl that’s a 10 & vice versa…you don’t want your 9 of a hunk to stoop down to the busted grill on this fine 3 that is hiding behind her pretty friends. Once you kind of know what you’re workin with, you’re ready to go! Scan the bar for someone that he wants to lay it down with & scoot yourself over to that general area, not too close though. At this point it really is all about having fun, when anyone sees people that are having fun…they instantly want to be a part of it. No hard work here.

Slide to the bar when she does, & buy a round of shots…”accidentally” order one too many & ask her if she wants this orphan shot…I guarantee she’ll adopt it asap. DON’T be obvious about it, be nonchalant & cheers her & then IGNORE her. Bitches love being ignored. Sooner or later she’ll shift her way back to us to thank us for the shot, & if she doesn’t then I like to yell “you’re welcome cunt” so that she feels like shit & we go on our merry way. Buuuttt if she does come over then you’ve already won…now it’s time to just build him up until he sounds like tom brady’s brother. I like to say things like “yeah we tried to sleep together once, but he was too big & likes to do all the work…so it didn’t work out.” or tell a story about how he changed my tire in the rain (making him sound like a great friend, even if he’s a douche), or mention that he rescued a 3-legged dog, nursed him back to health & bought him a wheel for his fourth leg. Once she starts swooning, then it’s his turn to jump in & wear his big boy pants. Hopefully after me coaching him, he’ll be able to keep what I had going & nail her. 

This is just one scenario, but I have a million different approaches to wing womaning. I’ve been known to jump off my couch at 11:11, throw on a smoky eye, & save my bro friend from dooming himself to loneliness for the night. So for a free bar tab & a million dollars…we can be there for you too. Our time is nearly priceless but I’m sure we can figure something out. Better than eharmony.com people, wewillgetyoulaid.com/rodriguezsisters.

successful venture

-BR

Michael has 3 days to get me an anniversary gift.

Since I am 3 days away from celebrating our first anniversary, I feel the need to share my love story.  And also to remind Michael that he has 3 days to get his shit together on my present. =)  Any way I feel like everybody has a unique love story as to how they met their soul mate.  But of course, mine is my favorite and I love to share it any chance I get.  So I'll get on with it now.
It all started with my mom wanting to make a trip to Louisiana to visit with my Grandparents and to take them on a mini vacay.  The plan was my mom was going to drive to Jacksonville to pick me up and from there we'd go together.  4 days prior she surprised me with a switch up of plans with me driving back home and us leaving from there. So I left for SWFL the next morning.
Day 1.  It was March 9th 2011 (Ill never forget that day) and I hadn't visited home since moving to Jacksonville in Sept 2010.  As I have previously blogged about in "Tough Love",  I was escaping my ex and the thought of going back to the place we met gave me the shakes.  So to calm my nerves I called my best friend Carisa who has always been there for me no matter what.  We hadn't seen each other in almost a year and I couldn't wait.  You know how it feels to talk to a friend you hadn't in a while and you pick back up right where you had left off?  That's how it was, and after telling her my concerns of returning home she put me at ease.  In fact, she was going out to the club that night with her boyfriend and his friend and asked me to join.  Pshhhh she knows my sweet spot, I never turn down a chance to party. Never, unless I'm pregnant and in that case it's debatable.
After seeing my parents and dinner, I went over to Carisa's to get ready.  I put on the tightest shortest dress ever (which I still have for memory purposes) that my dad would consider a washcloth.  While putting on make up she started telling me about her boyfriends friend.  She said, "Do you know Michael Rodriguez?"  And I immediately my eyes filled with tears.  "Yeah, that was Tito's best friend."  She knew what I meant and there was no need for any more questions.
And when I said I knew him, I meant I knew of him.  He was always at our family bbq's at my grandmas with Tito.  And since they were much older than I,  we never said more than hi and bye as I was just a little kid.
Carisa and I left around 10 to go pick them up.  Both got in the backseat with just a hi, and I introduced myself to Michael.  I knew as soon as I said my name he had no clue who I was.  So Carisa and I went back to talking about inappropriate things and she mentioned that Michael had just gotten a tattoo that day that was super nice.  I turned around and said, "So can I see it?".  "Yeah sure."  Was his response and knowing Michael as I do now, it's such a typical response.  No elaboration, just the bear minimum is as far as it goes.
Arriving at the club we realized it was cash only to get in the door. Damn I hate that shit.  So we were about to leave to find an ATM when Michael offered to just pay for me.  I also hate that shit, and was annoyed that someone else was paying for anything of mine.  In lieu the first 3 rounds were on me out of like 16.  We were all having a great time dancing as the music was actually decent.  I like to dance by myself and hate when grimy guys just walk up behind me and put their junk on my back.  Gross.  Like a gentleman Michael asked to dance with me.  How cute is chivalry these days!  We danced until we were tired and both decided to take a break outside on the patio.
So the questions started, "why are you here?".  He told me that he was on leave from deployment in Afghanistan.  I started sharing why I was there and mentioned that I had been staying away for a while as he said, "yeah it's always hard for me to come back too." "Why's that?".  And what he said Ill never forget, "this is where my best friend died."  Immediately I knew who he was talking about and from that point on I don't even remember what he said about Tito.  But I started to cry as he was describing him, what he meant to him, and the old times they had had together.  Just by how he spoke of him I knew that he loved him and truly missed him everyday.  He had to have been talking 20 min straight without my interjection.  He looked up and noticed I had tears streaming down my face. "Oh no why are you crying, was it something I said?" as he wiped them away.  I shook my head and said, "that was my cousin."  He looked a little confused and I knew it was cause he was going over every family member he had known of ours.  Finally he looked up and said, "do I know you?"  I said well I know you.  "You're Mrs. Rodriguez's daughter?! The oldest one?"  "No actually I am the baby."  I'm sure his jaw would've dropped open if he would've allowed it haha.  The rest of the night we spent talking and laughing outside until last call and went home.
Since I had been drinking, driving back home to "Mrs. Rodriguez" would've been a nightmare.  So I spent the night and we stayed up all night talking.  And I don't mean "talking", we literally just talked.  No funny business, he didn't even try to kiss me.  Which honestly took me by surprise because there was a definite attraction.  And my experience up until that moment was that guys were dogs, users, and abusers.  I was so used to being treated that way, I would protect myself by treating them the same. Use, abuse, and introduce them to the curb before they could blink.
Day 2.  The sun woke me up even though I don't remember the moment my mouth finally shut the hell up.  My first thought was that I had to get back home before 101 questions started from my mom.  And I had also promised my neighbor that I would help her break a young mare.  I rushed out before anyone was awake.  I purposefully didn't leave my number.  I've never been the clingy or overbearing bitch, the thought of being that way makes me want to shove a corn on the cob up my nose.  If it was important to him, he'd find a way to get it.
I went to help with the horse as I had promised.  She was a stubborn thing that didn't want a soul to tell her what to do.  Finally I just hopped on hoping the more aggressive approach would tame her stubborn soul.  Three falls later, I felt like I was being kicked around by a rhino and finally let her go feed while I surveyed my injuries.  Went back home and told my mom what we had done and accomplished and her being a nurse,  teacher, and mom; she flew off the handle making me strip down for an evaluation.  My ribs were sore and it hurt on the inhale which was emergency worthy for her.  You know my mom doesn't back down from anything, and neither do I.  So I finally agreed to go to urgent care so she would stop annoying me about it.  I checked out just fine with just bruised ribs and got some pretty hefty vitamins that made my moms constant nagging about working around horses fade away, way away.
Getting home I noticed I had a fb message, from guess who? =)  Now this is where Michael and I's story changes, he claims that as soon as he messaged me his number I texted him within 5 min. -__-  I don't think I have to reiterate about the corn up my nose.  And you know as girls we over analyze everything, including the proper response time to every text message.  I'd say it was at LEAST an hour or more.  And if I were you I'd believe me too.
We made plans for me to come by his house that night.  I didn't tell him, but I had also made plans to meet up with one of my ex's.  See: use, abuse, curb. (as often as I see fit).  I went by and was immediately introduced to his mom (sweetest lady ever).  And when I saw him he was sitting on the couch watching Jersey  Shore lol, I just had to give him a hard time about that one.  Then he had to say something that made me feel like giant asshole, "well I don't get to see this in Afghanistan, so catching up on it helps me catch up with normal life back here." (Foot in mouth)  Then in walks his grandma, and first thing she says was "Michael how did you get a pretty girl over here, I'm too used to seeing ugly ones." hahaha and knowing her now that is something so typical for her to say.  But anyone who calls me pretty is a friend of mine.  We talked for about 10 min but I knew I had to go.  I didn't know how to say bye, and honestly didn't want to but I mustered up the balls and said bye making plans for the next day "when I had more time". ;)  We never stopped the constant texting since the moment we had each others number and that night and the next were no exception.
Day 3.  Carisa calls me saying her and bf were going on a date asking if Michael and I wanted to join.  So,  this is also where Michael and I's story differs.  He says he asked me out on our first date; Nope that was me.  I don't wait around for someone to ask me what I want.  If I want it, it's mine.  He picked me up at my parents house (how sweet).  Met my parents, and he is the first guy that shook my dads hand and my dad hasn't tried to break it.  Seemed like a good sign.  We went and had dinner and drinks then left to another bar for more drinks.  I was at the bar ordering a pitcher of beer (I don't play) and he came up behind me making some smart ass comment.  We had a battle of rude comments back and forth until he stopped me and asked to kiss me. (how effing sweet, I don't think anyone has ever ASKED)  I tried to play like I didn't want to and he turned my face and bam it happened.  You know how people say they see fireworks, get butterflies and whatnot?  Nope didn't happen.  BUT I did feel that kiss from my head to my toes.  I was sold like a prostitute.  But I also knew I had to leave the next day to Louisiana and he had to leave in 3 days back to Afghanistan for another 4 months.  I wished I was a turtle and could hide in my shell so I didn't have to get caught up in feelings.  But I couldn't so I just kept kissing him instead, problem solved ;)
Now I'm going to give you a list of things I did know because there was a lot I didn't.  I knew those were the best three days of my life to that point.  I knew I didn't want him to leave.  I knew I didn't want to kiss anyone else.  I knew telling him that I'd save myself for him for when he came home was what I wanted.  And that's what I did.
He made me care about myself more than anyone had, I started going to Paul Mitchell in Jacksonville as soon as I came home.  I finally felt smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough to do anything.  He replaced the confidence that I allowed a bastard to rob from me.
I counted down the hours until I could talk to him even though we'd talk twice a day, once before he went to sleep and once when I would wake up before school.  I would ridiculously prep for hours before we would skype (s/o to Brittany Bennett for telling me I looked fine a hundred times before I'd get up the guts to actually do it).  The days, weeks, months felt like years.  I missed him so much it literally hurt.  And finally one day was the day.  I drove to panama city freaking out the entire way thinking about every scenario that could happen, s/n NO man has ever made so nervous in my life.  A call to Bianca as I was almost there and her wise words of "Calm the fuck down", finally did the trick.
As soon as I saw him whatever worry I had I couldn't remember anymore.  It felt like it should have, like the comfort of home without being home.  Ya know?  That weekend was uhmazing.  I cried like a baby leaving him to go back to Jacksonville.  We'd see each other every weekend and talk/text non stop.  But that separation still annoyed the both of us.
August 22, 2011 we found out we were pregnant =)  January 24th,  I moved to panama city to be with him as I was 7 months pregnant.  And March 30th, 2012 when I was 9 months pregnant, we were married.  Just he, I and Royce <3  A little less than a month later, April 27th, 2012 Royce was born.  Easily the best day of our lives.
This first year has been nothing short of incredible.  Yes there are times you wish they'd go play in the street but I catch myself saying all the time, "I thought I loved him then."  He is my best friend, my everything.   Watching him and Royce play is my favorite, and every time Royce says "dada" my heart feels like it's on fire.  And that is where I'm gonna close the book on this love story and leave it as "to be continued." =)

have a good day and love the ones you're with
-Ari

At the club the first night we met (not sure who busted one and two are)

Us skyping while he was in Afghanistan =)

Our marriage certificate (check out that belly making a shadow)

The first time I fed Royce in the NICU <3 

RIP Tito Sauceda <3

don't take my advice, i don't even take my advice

As most alcoholidays tend to be, this weekend was an entire day drinking shit show. Between saturday & sunday, I was hungover on monday morning to the point of just wanting to die, clinging to the porcelain throne. Fortunately for me, I got to work 9 hours!, which only delayed my hangover death until tuesday, 2 days later?! I think I’m getting old, but to be fair to myself I drank enough to kill 34 Irishmen so I would say it was a well deserved hangover. So to force myself out of bed this morning, I just had to roll off the edge & hope that the impact with the floor would work as an alarm…& it did.    

So after years of experience & this past weekend readily reminding me, I have a few tips for you venturous day drinkers. This may be biased towards females & those living in florida, but hey, check all that apply:

 Eat breakfast – & not a granola 100 calorie pack…eat something heavy, like bison or caribou. And for you skinny bitches, you might want to bring along some goldfish or kind bars for when the drunk munchies happen. Although you think that you’ll stop & eat at some point, it never happens…everyone just rallies & is all like “let’s keep drinking” & you end up throwing up into a potted plant in between bars.

Pack a flask/drink a few at home – although all of us may like to seem like kajillionaires, I guarantee a $20 bottle of fireball is cheaper than 30 shots of fireball at the bar. The way math goes is 30 shots, multiplied by $5 per shot equals $150 & let’s be real, wait time on drinks on st. patty’s day is ridic, so I much rather have a little sippy sip of something while I wait.

Drink water – everybody always plans on water breaks but it never happens. That’s why vodka-waters were created. Drink those for a few rounds & I feel like that counts.

Bring arm candy – this is especially important if you know your ex will be out, or if you have a slight chance of running into his new/old girlfriend that just so happens to look like the koolaid man pitcher thingy had sex with a pug. It’s not my fault that my male friends happen to be extremely attractive & work well for pissing people off. Commmeee onnnn. It’s a good time.

Bring extra things for outfits/makeup for disasters – guys you know you might sweat through that shirt at lemon bar & not have anything to walk inside in to the next bar…& no chick is going home with sweaty man-pits. & girls, bring shoes just in case you break yours (meaning your sandals apart because you tripped over everything) & most importantly bring a mini makeup bag, included with makeup remover towelettes, eyeliner & a powder compact…because an oily face is not cute. & you don’t want to look like jack sparrow when you’re crawling to the last bar.

 Bring cash – cab fares, valet parking & pesky bathroom attendants that you have to pay off in order to use the men’s bathroom because the women’s restroom line is too long. I would’ve traded a BJ but I didn’t have time for all that, so $8 did the trick. Also I like to open a tab & just pay the tip in cash so that you don’t have any bank surprises on monday morning. I rather my account be pending the correct amount instead of being like holy shit I’m poor after your drunken transactions go through.

 Bring a phone charger – nothing worse than being stranded & cellphone-less because you wandered off talking to the flavor of the week & your phone dies with none of your girls in sight.

So with all this responsibility talk, let’s be clear that it’s still difficult to do so. I mean it’s kind of hard when people are all like “it’s a marathon, not a sprint” & I’m all like fuck it, I’m downing these shots of whiskey to keep shit interesting. So just in case you don’t remember anything after 6pm, make sure you’re having fun with people you know will bring no drama, no bullshit, remind you of all the fucked up stuff you did & be there to punch the annoying kim kardashian wanna-be’s when one of them almost breaks off your toe with their stiletto. (if you wear heels of any sort to the beach, you should die anyways)… & keep a camera ready for prime people watching...because you aren't the only drunk asshole dancing the night away with a corona half spilling on you every second. Just in case you end up with a hangover that makes you want to drown yourself in the atlantic ocean, make sure you're stocked up on gatorade, advil, saltines & an emergen-C packet...because if you can keep that down, the B vitamins really help kill that sluggish feeling & might get you re hydrated faster. Then you're never drinking again....until next weekend. 

this lady showed up solo at the pier, & because i'm an evil bitch, i had to snap a picture of her billy jean, overly sequined outfit, with her 8 chunky necklaces on, and i'm not exaggerating...probably 3-4 rings on EACH finger. although she was twitching from too many pills popped, & had more chin hairs than teeth, she thought she looked good & that's all that matters

the only real reason for being at the pier for sunday funday, splittone. & the only reason for tuesday boozeday's at lynch's. check 'em out if you haven't.


-BR

 

Sometimes strippers don't win (sometimes)

This blog is for non-judgmental eyes and minds.  So if you are judgemental; there is a small red X I put at the top right of your screen just for you.
"this is the remix to ignition hot and fresh out the kitchen; mama rollin that body got every man in here wishin" Sorry suuuper ADD moment cause it just came on my Pandora.  But do you remember that song?  I'm pretty sure I was in 6th grade when it came out lol
This might start to sound like I might be channeling T Swift for a sec, which is an honor.  But I just wanted to go back to when I was 17 and you'll understand why when I'm done.
At 17 I was just starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I started to appreciate that my body wasn't made like every one of my other skinny friends.  I was curvy and for once in my life I loved it.  So that confidence carried me all the way to the infamous "Booty shaking contest" at the Lani Kai on Fort Myers beach.
It was Spring Break 08 and I was a senior in high school (hot shit).  With a group of friends (who I would be scared to admit were actually my "friends" ahaha) and some liquid courage.  When it came time to sign up I was all in, front of the line type shit.  There were 8 other girls and I was clearly the youngest.  I wasn't intimidated at all :O.  So through applause it came down to me and one other girl.  With no judgement, she was clearly a stripper.  Very "fit" and the whole time I was trying to figure out exactly where her ass was located, regardless she was shaking something.  The announcer was getting everybody hyped as he announced the last couple of seconds left of the competition.  I look over and stripper was in a full split,  I thought to myself that it was over at that point.  But to my benefit the wind was blowing particularly hard that day so all I really had to do was bend over, and my ass did the shaking itself.  Plussss I had some extra tricks up my sleeve, no where near stripper level but tricks nonetheless.  Once again by round of applause the winner would be chosen.  First stripper then I.  I knew it was over for me, but for her the crowd was at a low roar.  I took the opportunity to be my typical asshole self and pretended to do a split, and everybody went nuts.  Stripper was a sore loser as I was getting sashed, but in all fairness the name of the game was "booty shaking contest" and the crowd must've been just as confused as I was as to where hers was located.  Boy was I proud of that thing; until it was time to go home.  Now how do you explain to strict parents how you earned that?  I didn't have a clue either, so it went out the window blowing down S29.  There is a video somewhere and I hope it doesn't crop up before my children are old enough to comprehend their moms "ways" as a teenager.
Now lets fast forward to Spring Break 2013, lots has changed for me.  No I haven't lost my ass, but I gained a husband and perfect baby. =)  Annddd perfect baby left some perfect stretch marks and an exit wound, so no contest for me this year.  But somehow I figured out a way for all of the attention to be on me, completely unintentionally.  On a boat parked a few feet from shore with the loudest and I mean LOUDEST music on the beach, completely drowning out any other entertainment.  You couldn't miss us.  (I'm going to take the time to give a shout out to Mack Radford and Carisa Langley for always being there for Michael and I.  We couldn't ask for better or more faithful friends than they are to us.  We love you both!!)  So for a while it was just the 4 of us until we wanted the additional entertainment of other drunk assess on our boat.  Mack and Michael's meek attempts on some girls was hilarious to Carisa and I.  Michael with a beer in one hand and a box of pop-tarts in the other waiving them at the passerby's (I can't make this shit up).  He finally decided to jump off and approach groups of girls on the beach.  For those of you who are wondering if this made me mad or jealous.  Not even a little, we have an incredible bond and trust each other completely.  It was pure entertainment for me. I was just hoping he'd use some discretion so we didn't end up with a bunch of busted's on the boat.  Finally one girl (one lol) gave in to his cajoling and headed for the boat.  By that time a friend of Mack's had joined and was the 5th wheel so it was mandatory for him to have a girl too, only fair.  Like a gentleman he jumped down and met her halfway in the water and lead her by hand to the boat and helped her up. (so sweet)  I went to grab her a beer and when I came back Michael was introducing this cute freckled face girl to him.  And as I was handing her the beer she turned to me and said, "actually you're the reason I came out here, I saw you from over there and thought you were so beautiful and I just want a taste of that neck of yours."  My mouth fell open out of complete shock which happened to be the worst reaction timing for me to date.  And she completely went for it.  I just heard everybody in a 5 mile radius egging it on and I pulled away just as she decided to relocated herself to my neck. Ahhhhhhhh!
Now I have nothing against lesbians, I'm just not one.  I too find myself attracted to women sometimes because I believe all women are beautiful from head to toe.  But the attraction for me just stops at appreciation and I always tell them if I get the chance because us as women are pretty insecure beings.  Well, tbh I've learned to not do so since cutting off all of my hair.  Because (and Bianca can back this up too)  white girls assume I'm a lesbian, as this girl had.  And every other race out there assumes I want their men -__-.  Neither are accurate, and I would never ever take back my decision to cut it off.  I would do it again in a heart beat, it's hair.  And as I learned in cosmetology school, it DOES grow back.  Pshhhyeah shocked the hell out of me too!  So for those women who cry over 1/4in being trimmed off (I admittedly used to be one of them), I have a few choice words for you.
Anyways back to my attacker.  I pulled her away and told her to slow her ass down and asked how old she was. 17 was her answer. 17!!!  She sure as hell is the most assertive 17 year old I have ever met.  I said, "oh  so you're just experimenting then huh?!!"  "Nope I've known for a while and you just made me sure." EW! I was completely stunned, nobody has ever approached me that way ever.  I can't even say that I was flattered.  Knowing her age made me almost sick.  I then introduced her to Michael as my husband and he was just grinning from ear to ear.  Nobody had heard the conversation we just had because we were screaming into each others ear over the blaring music.  They just caught the action part. blehh.  She made an exit after knowing I was married, but not embarrassed in the least.
Before judging this poor girl I reflected on myself as a 17 yr old.  And all of these naive and careless situations I had put myself in came to mind.  At that age we were all so nonchalant about things not realizing the consequences of our immature thinking.  For her sake I'm glad she chose me and not somebody else who would have taken advantage of her fragile immature self.
We still continued to have a great time (duh).  And eventually made our way on the beach to observe this years booty shaking contest.  Which brought back memories of my experience on that exact stage. hahaha smh I was too out of control for my own good.  The girl who won definitely earned it.  And we left shortly after as the sun was going down.
I hope everyone learned a lesson, (not sure what lesson) but it eases my mind to think I'm not sharing these over the top stories for nothing =0
Have a great day!
-Ari

=)

my biggest rival: the bitch i can't escape

I watch Oprah whenever possible because she makes me feel like my life is somewhat on track, but don’t interject your opinions on that one. This particular episode is a throwback & is called ‘are you normal?’ one of those Dr. Oz specials where they ask the audience to answer questions & base normality on the popular audience response. This show makes me seem like plain Jane. We have grown men that sleep with stuffed animals, women that have to clean their entire houses naked, a man that has a mandatory ‘perfect wife list’ to turn her into a stepford wife (more on that bullshit later), a woman with 92 personalities (making me paranoid that I might have several personalities) & a woman that treats her animals like humans, which I suppose isn’t as far-fetched. This woman calls her house so that she can leave her dog a voicemail to tell him when she’ll be late. This is my mom.

It’s time everyone met Kiki. She is a blue point Siamese cat that was bred & hand-picked by my mom for an amount of money that I’m sure was presented in a briefcase. When first brought to the western world from Thailand, these cats were considered the ‘Royal Cat of Siam’, because they were kept only by royalty, & I’m certain that Kiki is aware of this. We’ve had other cats & plenty of dogs growing up & my parents still have 3 cats & a dog, but nobody (yes, she’s a person) is like Kiki. When my mom is away from the house for whatever reason, she makes my dad hold the phone up to Kiki’s ear so she can talk to her. I think she was an addition to our family because my sister & I were growing up & my mom needed a baby. Siamese cats have a distinguished meow that mimics a baby crying & they normally cling to one person & boyyy isn’t that all true. My mom refers to Kiki as our sister. Every time I’m home, it’s always, ‘come on, say hello to your sister…you haven’t seen her in a while.’ I search around for a person & I’m greeted by this furry little bitch cry-meowing at my feet.

She only eats chicken gerber baby food, that my mom and dad hand feed her only!...only!! after being warmed up in the microwave. (and you have to check it on your own skin before feeding it to her) She has a mini picnic table that her food & water bowl are kept on so that she doesn’t have to strain her neck to the floor to eat. If it’s been raining outside, she still has to be nosy & walk out there to check stuff out but freezes in the wet grass & will act paralyzed until my mom walks over & saves her. When Kiki goes on roadtrips, she’s allowed to sit wherever she wants, so if she’s sitting on my head, or strangling me with my own seatbelt, or making herself a personal cat scarf, then she has to stay there because that’s where she wants to be. I’ve had to learn growing up that Kiki is always right & everybody else is wrong. 

Our family came back from a month long Mexico vacation a week early because Kiki was missing. We got flights rearranged because a ‘family member was in an accident’, & with my mom’s Oscar winning performance & the way she talked about Kiki wandering away…airline officials actually thought our grandmother with extreme Alzheimer’s had run away from home and we had to go find her. Nope. Just my mom’s cat decided to hang out in the backwoods behind our house. She was home when we got there, just chillin’ on the porch with a snarky grin on her little face. I’m convinced it was her plan all along because she knew my mom would come rushing back to her precious Kiki. Another time we brought her to a beachside vacation, & because she couldn’t handle the noise of the traffic outside & didn’t like the salty air, my dad had to drive her back an hour & a half to our house at 3am!! because she was in distress. When we go on other vacations, Kiki gets a babysitter. Not someone who checks on her once a day, or just drops by & fills up a food bowl, my parents pay someone to stay at our house while we’re gone to watch Kiki. What?!

If we’re eating dinner, Kiki insists on inspecting our plates. Here I am eating my roast beef & stewed vegetables & Kiki comes creeping up to me & stares me straight in the eyes. I push her away because Kiki & I have never gotten along & I get yelled at to be nicer to my sister. Kiki doesn’t get pushed off of the table because pets don’t belong there…she’s Kiki, so she can sit wherever she wants. My mom says, ‘just let her smell it, she just wants to see what it is, she’s not going to do anything.’ So I let Kiki smell it & within seconds she has taken the biggest chomp out of my roast beef. Like she fully sunk her teeth into it & paused just so that I could see that she won that victory. My mom also thought it was ridiculous that I wanted a new plate, I mean after all she only took a ‘small bite’. Small bite my ass, she took a beast chunk out of it. But I’m not allowed to say anything. Kiki is the queen of the house. To top allllll of this off, my strongest of a million different allergies just so happens to be to cats. And there is no getting rid of Kiki, so I just have to be armored with several medications, nasal spray, eye drops, an inhaler, & a HEPA air filter stationed in my room every time I’m home. Anything to accommodate Kiki. I have a love/hate relationship with a cat. & my mom still loves her more. Only me. Only my life.

The princess herself

-BR