don't take my advice, i don't even take my advice

As most alcoholidays tend to be, this weekend was an entire day drinking shit show. Between saturday & sunday, I was hungover on monday morning to the point of just wanting to die, clinging to the porcelain throne. Fortunately for me, I got to work 9 hours!, which only delayed my hangover death until tuesday, 2 days later?! I think I’m getting old, but to be fair to myself I drank enough to kill 34 Irishmen so I would say it was a well deserved hangover. So to force myself out of bed this morning, I just had to roll off the edge & hope that the impact with the floor would work as an alarm…& it did.    

So after years of experience & this past weekend readily reminding me, I have a few tips for you venturous day drinkers. This may be biased towards females & those living in florida, but hey, check all that apply:

 Eat breakfast – & not a granola 100 calorie pack…eat something heavy, like bison or caribou. And for you skinny bitches, you might want to bring along some goldfish or kind bars for when the drunk munchies happen. Although you think that you’ll stop & eat at some point, it never happens…everyone just rallies & is all like “let’s keep drinking” & you end up throwing up into a potted plant in between bars.

Pack a flask/drink a few at home – although all of us may like to seem like kajillionaires, I guarantee a $20 bottle of fireball is cheaper than 30 shots of fireball at the bar. The way math goes is 30 shots, multiplied by $5 per shot equals $150 & let’s be real, wait time on drinks on st. patty’s day is ridic, so I much rather have a little sippy sip of something while I wait.

Drink water – everybody always plans on water breaks but it never happens. That’s why vodka-waters were created. Drink those for a few rounds & I feel like that counts.

Bring arm candy – this is especially important if you know your ex will be out, or if you have a slight chance of running into his new/old girlfriend that just so happens to look like the koolaid man pitcher thingy had sex with a pug. It’s not my fault that my male friends happen to be extremely attractive & work well for pissing people off. Commmeee onnnn. It’s a good time.

Bring extra things for outfits/makeup for disasters – guys you know you might sweat through that shirt at lemon bar & not have anything to walk inside in to the next bar…& no chick is going home with sweaty man-pits. & girls, bring shoes just in case you break yours (meaning your sandals apart because you tripped over everything) & most importantly bring a mini makeup bag, included with makeup remover towelettes, eyeliner & a powder compact…because an oily face is not cute. & you don’t want to look like jack sparrow when you’re crawling to the last bar.

 Bring cash – cab fares, valet parking & pesky bathroom attendants that you have to pay off in order to use the men’s bathroom because the women’s restroom line is too long. I would’ve traded a BJ but I didn’t have time for all that, so $8 did the trick. Also I like to open a tab & just pay the tip in cash so that you don’t have any bank surprises on monday morning. I rather my account be pending the correct amount instead of being like holy shit I’m poor after your drunken transactions go through.

 Bring a phone charger – nothing worse than being stranded & cellphone-less because you wandered off talking to the flavor of the week & your phone dies with none of your girls in sight.

So with all this responsibility talk, let’s be clear that it’s still difficult to do so. I mean it’s kind of hard when people are all like “it’s a marathon, not a sprint” & I’m all like fuck it, I’m downing these shots of whiskey to keep shit interesting. So just in case you don’t remember anything after 6pm, make sure you’re having fun with people you know will bring no drama, no bullshit, remind you of all the fucked up stuff you did & be there to punch the annoying kim kardashian wanna-be’s when one of them almost breaks off your toe with their stiletto. (if you wear heels of any sort to the beach, you should die anyways)… & keep a camera ready for prime people watching...because you aren't the only drunk asshole dancing the night away with a corona half spilling on you every second. Just in case you end up with a hangover that makes you want to drown yourself in the atlantic ocean, make sure you're stocked up on gatorade, advil, saltines & an emergen-C packet...because if you can keep that down, the B vitamins really help kill that sluggish feeling & might get you re hydrated faster. Then you're never drinking again....until next weekend. 

this lady showed up solo at the pier, & because i'm an evil bitch, i had to snap a picture of her billy jean, overly sequined outfit, with her 8 chunky necklaces on, and i'm not exaggerating...probably 3-4 rings on EACH finger. although she was twitching from too many pills popped, & had more chin hairs than teeth, she thought she looked good & that's all that matters

the only real reason for being at the pier for sunday funday, splittone. & the only reason for tuesday boozeday's at lynch's. check 'em out if you haven't.


-BR

 

Sometimes strippers don't win (sometimes)

This blog is for non-judgmental eyes and minds.  So if you are judgemental; there is a small red X I put at the top right of your screen just for you.
"this is the remix to ignition hot and fresh out the kitchen; mama rollin that body got every man in here wishin" Sorry suuuper ADD moment cause it just came on my Pandora.  But do you remember that song?  I'm pretty sure I was in 6th grade when it came out lol
This might start to sound like I might be channeling T Swift for a sec, which is an honor.  But I just wanted to go back to when I was 17 and you'll understand why when I'm done.
At 17 I was just starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I started to appreciate that my body wasn't made like every one of my other skinny friends.  I was curvy and for once in my life I loved it.  So that confidence carried me all the way to the infamous "Booty shaking contest" at the Lani Kai on Fort Myers beach.
It was Spring Break 08 and I was a senior in high school (hot shit).  With a group of friends (who I would be scared to admit were actually my "friends" ahaha) and some liquid courage.  When it came time to sign up I was all in, front of the line type shit.  There were 8 other girls and I was clearly the youngest.  I wasn't intimidated at all :O.  So through applause it came down to me and one other girl.  With no judgement, she was clearly a stripper.  Very "fit" and the whole time I was trying to figure out exactly where her ass was located, regardless she was shaking something.  The announcer was getting everybody hyped as he announced the last couple of seconds left of the competition.  I look over and stripper was in a full split,  I thought to myself that it was over at that point.  But to my benefit the wind was blowing particularly hard that day so all I really had to do was bend over, and my ass did the shaking itself.  Plussss I had some extra tricks up my sleeve, no where near stripper level but tricks nonetheless.  Once again by round of applause the winner would be chosen.  First stripper then I.  I knew it was over for me, but for her the crowd was at a low roar.  I took the opportunity to be my typical asshole self and pretended to do a split, and everybody went nuts.  Stripper was a sore loser as I was getting sashed, but in all fairness the name of the game was "booty shaking contest" and the crowd must've been just as confused as I was as to where hers was located.  Boy was I proud of that thing; until it was time to go home.  Now how do you explain to strict parents how you earned that?  I didn't have a clue either, so it went out the window blowing down S29.  There is a video somewhere and I hope it doesn't crop up before my children are old enough to comprehend their moms "ways" as a teenager.
Now lets fast forward to Spring Break 2013, lots has changed for me.  No I haven't lost my ass, but I gained a husband and perfect baby. =)  Annddd perfect baby left some perfect stretch marks and an exit wound, so no contest for me this year.  But somehow I figured out a way for all of the attention to be on me, completely unintentionally.  On a boat parked a few feet from shore with the loudest and I mean LOUDEST music on the beach, completely drowning out any other entertainment.  You couldn't miss us.  (I'm going to take the time to give a shout out to Mack Radford and Carisa Langley for always being there for Michael and I.  We couldn't ask for better or more faithful friends than they are to us.  We love you both!!)  So for a while it was just the 4 of us until we wanted the additional entertainment of other drunk assess on our boat.  Mack and Michael's meek attempts on some girls was hilarious to Carisa and I.  Michael with a beer in one hand and a box of pop-tarts in the other waiving them at the passerby's (I can't make this shit up).  He finally decided to jump off and approach groups of girls on the beach.  For those of you who are wondering if this made me mad or jealous.  Not even a little, we have an incredible bond and trust each other completely.  It was pure entertainment for me. I was just hoping he'd use some discretion so we didn't end up with a bunch of busted's on the boat.  Finally one girl (one lol) gave in to his cajoling and headed for the boat.  By that time a friend of Mack's had joined and was the 5th wheel so it was mandatory for him to have a girl too, only fair.  Like a gentleman he jumped down and met her halfway in the water and lead her by hand to the boat and helped her up. (so sweet)  I went to grab her a beer and when I came back Michael was introducing this cute freckled face girl to him.  And as I was handing her the beer she turned to me and said, "actually you're the reason I came out here, I saw you from over there and thought you were so beautiful and I just want a taste of that neck of yours."  My mouth fell open out of complete shock which happened to be the worst reaction timing for me to date.  And she completely went for it.  I just heard everybody in a 5 mile radius egging it on and I pulled away just as she decided to relocated herself to my neck. Ahhhhhhhh!
Now I have nothing against lesbians, I'm just not one.  I too find myself attracted to women sometimes because I believe all women are beautiful from head to toe.  But the attraction for me just stops at appreciation and I always tell them if I get the chance because us as women are pretty insecure beings.  Well, tbh I've learned to not do so since cutting off all of my hair.  Because (and Bianca can back this up too)  white girls assume I'm a lesbian, as this girl had.  And every other race out there assumes I want their men -__-.  Neither are accurate, and I would never ever take back my decision to cut it off.  I would do it again in a heart beat, it's hair.  And as I learned in cosmetology school, it DOES grow back.  Pshhhyeah shocked the hell out of me too!  So for those women who cry over 1/4in being trimmed off (I admittedly used to be one of them), I have a few choice words for you.
Anyways back to my attacker.  I pulled her away and told her to slow her ass down and asked how old she was. 17 was her answer. 17!!!  She sure as hell is the most assertive 17 year old I have ever met.  I said, "oh  so you're just experimenting then huh?!!"  "Nope I've known for a while and you just made me sure." EW! I was completely stunned, nobody has ever approached me that way ever.  I can't even say that I was flattered.  Knowing her age made me almost sick.  I then introduced her to Michael as my husband and he was just grinning from ear to ear.  Nobody had heard the conversation we just had because we were screaming into each others ear over the blaring music.  They just caught the action part. blehh.  She made an exit after knowing I was married, but not embarrassed in the least.
Before judging this poor girl I reflected on myself as a 17 yr old.  And all of these naive and careless situations I had put myself in came to mind.  At that age we were all so nonchalant about things not realizing the consequences of our immature thinking.  For her sake I'm glad she chose me and not somebody else who would have taken advantage of her fragile immature self.
We still continued to have a great time (duh).  And eventually made our way on the beach to observe this years booty shaking contest.  Which brought back memories of my experience on that exact stage. hahaha smh I was too out of control for my own good.  The girl who won definitely earned it.  And we left shortly after as the sun was going down.
I hope everyone learned a lesson, (not sure what lesson) but it eases my mind to think I'm not sharing these over the top stories for nothing =0
Have a great day!
-Ari

=)

my biggest rival: the bitch i can't escape

I watch Oprah whenever possible because she makes me feel like my life is somewhat on track, but don’t interject your opinions on that one. This particular episode is a throwback & is called ‘are you normal?’ one of those Dr. Oz specials where they ask the audience to answer questions & base normality on the popular audience response. This show makes me seem like plain Jane. We have grown men that sleep with stuffed animals, women that have to clean their entire houses naked, a man that has a mandatory ‘perfect wife list’ to turn her into a stepford wife (more on that bullshit later), a woman with 92 personalities (making me paranoid that I might have several personalities) & a woman that treats her animals like humans, which I suppose isn’t as far-fetched. This woman calls her house so that she can leave her dog a voicemail to tell him when she’ll be late. This is my mom.

It’s time everyone met Kiki. She is a blue point Siamese cat that was bred & hand-picked by my mom for an amount of money that I’m sure was presented in a briefcase. When first brought to the western world from Thailand, these cats were considered the ‘Royal Cat of Siam’, because they were kept only by royalty, & I’m certain that Kiki is aware of this. We’ve had other cats & plenty of dogs growing up & my parents still have 3 cats & a dog, but nobody (yes, she’s a person) is like Kiki. When my mom is away from the house for whatever reason, she makes my dad hold the phone up to Kiki’s ear so she can talk to her. I think she was an addition to our family because my sister & I were growing up & my mom needed a baby. Siamese cats have a distinguished meow that mimics a baby crying & they normally cling to one person & boyyy isn’t that all true. My mom refers to Kiki as our sister. Every time I’m home, it’s always, ‘come on, say hello to your sister…you haven’t seen her in a while.’ I search around for a person & I’m greeted by this furry little bitch cry-meowing at my feet.

She only eats chicken gerber baby food, that my mom and dad hand feed her only!...only!! after being warmed up in the microwave. (and you have to check it on your own skin before feeding it to her) She has a mini picnic table that her food & water bowl are kept on so that she doesn’t have to strain her neck to the floor to eat. If it’s been raining outside, she still has to be nosy & walk out there to check stuff out but freezes in the wet grass & will act paralyzed until my mom walks over & saves her. When Kiki goes on roadtrips, she’s allowed to sit wherever she wants, so if she’s sitting on my head, or strangling me with my own seatbelt, or making herself a personal cat scarf, then she has to stay there because that’s where she wants to be. I’ve had to learn growing up that Kiki is always right & everybody else is wrong. 

Our family came back from a month long Mexico vacation a week early because Kiki was missing. We got flights rearranged because a ‘family member was in an accident’, & with my mom’s Oscar winning performance & the way she talked about Kiki wandering away…airline officials actually thought our grandmother with extreme Alzheimer’s had run away from home and we had to go find her. Nope. Just my mom’s cat decided to hang out in the backwoods behind our house. She was home when we got there, just chillin’ on the porch with a snarky grin on her little face. I’m convinced it was her plan all along because she knew my mom would come rushing back to her precious Kiki. Another time we brought her to a beachside vacation, & because she couldn’t handle the noise of the traffic outside & didn’t like the salty air, my dad had to drive her back an hour & a half to our house at 3am!! because she was in distress. When we go on other vacations, Kiki gets a babysitter. Not someone who checks on her once a day, or just drops by & fills up a food bowl, my parents pay someone to stay at our house while we’re gone to watch Kiki. What?!

If we’re eating dinner, Kiki insists on inspecting our plates. Here I am eating my roast beef & stewed vegetables & Kiki comes creeping up to me & stares me straight in the eyes. I push her away because Kiki & I have never gotten along & I get yelled at to be nicer to my sister. Kiki doesn’t get pushed off of the table because pets don’t belong there…she’s Kiki, so she can sit wherever she wants. My mom says, ‘just let her smell it, she just wants to see what it is, she’s not going to do anything.’ So I let Kiki smell it & within seconds she has taken the biggest chomp out of my roast beef. Like she fully sunk her teeth into it & paused just so that I could see that she won that victory. My mom also thought it was ridiculous that I wanted a new plate, I mean after all she only took a ‘small bite’. Small bite my ass, she took a beast chunk out of it. But I’m not allowed to say anything. Kiki is the queen of the house. To top allllll of this off, my strongest of a million different allergies just so happens to be to cats. And there is no getting rid of Kiki, so I just have to be armored with several medications, nasal spray, eye drops, an inhaler, & a HEPA air filter stationed in my room every time I’m home. Anything to accommodate Kiki. I have a love/hate relationship with a cat. & my mom still loves her more. Only me. Only my life.

The princess herself

-BR

strip club etiquette

Since my mom has decided to grace herself with being the number one fan of this blog, I figured I couldn’t change the name of it, because I liked it too much, so I’ll welcome her to the table with this story. Stripper time.

This weekend some friends came into town & after bottles of wine & dinner on a rooftop bar, we decided to trade in a little class for trash. Strip club anyone? We were pre-warned that this place was not the greatest, but it was only a mile or so away & would be entertainment at the very least. And I guess I should throw out a mini disclaimer that I don’t mind going to strip clubs, & have been to a few...the music is decent & the boots are shiny. So we rolled into this place & it was everything I expected - the size of my living room, rope style Christmas lights lining the stage, a DJ booth that was meant for midgets & a few pool tables in the back. The cigarette smoke was thick & although I couldn’t breathe, it made every female in there look like nicki minaj.

Of course for these occasions it always has to be someone’s fake birthday, and I’m the one that got chosen. After verifying with the bartender that we wouldn’t be stabbed, we ordered a couple buckets of beer, & traded in our twenties for singles. Let’s be clear when 2chainz said that he wanted to be buried inside of the booty club, I didn’t think he meant in one that was the size of a coffin.

Our next move was buying our dear friend a lap dance to spice things up & he was down. The club was way too small for a VIP area, so for $10 he got a lap dance in a corner chair. Me being the instigator that I am, decided that I would join him & be there for moral support…aka… just throw down more bills to make it interesting. So dennis rodman came over in a corset & a thong and we were in business. She also had one of those tattoos on her ass cheek that looked like it may have been an intricate mural of some sort & now it just looks like mike tyson’s face.  I kept tucking bills in his shirt, his pockets & in her thong of course. Things kept getting more & more heated & I just kept throwing out the dollar bills. First the tits came out, & then pants were being unzipped with teeth…she reached above him to pull these chains from the ceiling & at that point I was outta there. I think there was some sort of dog collar next to the railing, but I wasn’t hanging out to find out. I realized that my dollar bill giving had gotten out of control & I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, but I sure as hell was getting what I paid for… an interactive ride through the vagina safari.  

 
Dennis had to go up on stage after that, so we were graced with even more of her flawless moves. By flawless moves, I mean her stomach making most of the slapping noises. Don’t get me wrong, homegirl was full of confidence, or hyped up on heroin, but she was workin it to say the least. I decided to give her my last few bills because I didn’t want crumpled stripper dollars in my purse the next day. A man had all her attention, so I just decided to walk up & set the bills on the edge of the stage & she took them obvi…I just didn’t want to interrupt their obvious love connection. As we’re chugging the remainder of our beers & high tailing it out of there, the love connection, who looked like a clint eastwood/injun joe hybrid, makes his way over to me. I could hear the tumbleweeds blowing across the floor & the eerie whistling noise. With his weird cowboy hat tipped back, he made straight eye contact & says “that was very disrespectful of you to do that”. I was appalled. I just got called disrespectful in a strip club, ironic to say the least. So I asked him why he thought so, and he said, “because you’re supposed to hand them what they earn, not just throw it up there”. So I turned, looked at him & just said “I’ll do what I want with my money” & gave him a stink eye all the way out the door. Sorry I set it down instead of putting it in between her cheeks. I would have probably said to more to him, but I didn’t want him to go all Wild West on me. I don't feel like I'm ever disrespectful...for my own personal tastes, I'm more on a look but don't touch policy. Someone help me out here…I would never want to be disrespectful to anyone, was I in the wrong? Is there a stripper code that I’m not aware of & where can I read these directions? I’d like to know for future strip club ventures, so feel free to message me any tips. R-e-s-p-e-c-t, I’m channeling Aretha right now.

-BR

Perception is Everything

I remember from the time I was young my dad saying to us, "what does a murderer look like?".  I didn't necessarily understand his point at the time, so I would just throw out some general descriptions that I felt were correct.

My dad has his Bachelors degree in criminal justice from Minot State University in North Dakota.  He eventually returned to his good ole hometown (Labelle) to serve his community.  He was a deputy for a couple of years but was mainly interested in investigations.  He eventually started his own private investigation business.  Anything and I mean ANYTHING my dad does he strives to be the best at and more times than not is the best. *Imagine for a second trying to sneak a lie past him, oh hell no, not happening*
Now that I'm older and maybe a little smarter, that question resonates in my head all of the time. 

"What does a murderer look like?" Stop and think about it for just a second.
Are they tall, skinny, blond, hairy, with webbed toes, a big nose, no wisdom teeth, 15/20 vision, that works at a Piggly Wiggly?  Ive heard time and time again after a massacre, "he was such a great person, I would've never expected this from him" blah blah blah.  What made it so unexpected?  Simple. You can not specify attributes to determine a criminal.  They come in all shapes in sizes.  But yet we still put a title on the people we consider dangerous.  Predefining a person before giving them the chance to see who they really are.  Keep in mind that we are all created exactly the same; the fastest swimming sperm.

 

Lets have a little overview of "unexpected" criminals 

Natalie Hollaway murder in Aruba ring a bell?

 

This woman and her husband were busted after putting an ad up on Craigslist looking for a dog... to have a threesome with them.

(http://www.11points.com/News-Politics/11_Most_Ridiculous_Criminals_of_2012?utm_source=knowd.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=11-absolutely-ridiculous-criminals)

 

This transgender woman is 30-year-old Oneal Morris of Miami Gardens, Florida. She was arrested in November for giving people illegal buttock injections with cement, Fix-a-Flat tire repair solution, and super glue.

http://www.11points.com/News-Politics/11_Most_Ridiculous_Criminals_of_2011

 

 A sweet little old landlady in Sacramento, Dorothea had been ducking and in out of the can for finance-related crimes and petty theft before settling into a two story house that she would rent out to also elderly inhabitants. At the charming age of sixty, police discovered Puente was killing off her boarders and collecting the insurance money. The evidence? Seven bodies buried shallowly in her back yard. Apparently Puente wasn’t always as feeble as she was just before her death nearly twenty years later, still claiming the victims died of natural causes

http://rawjustice.com/2011/01/25/lady-killers-14-female-murderers/

 

 

 

You never know somebodies intentions or who you are passing by in the grocery store.  My objective was not to make you cautious of everyone you meet, but not to pass judgement according to your predetermination of a "criminal". Do not judge a book by its cover; Watch the movie first ;)

 

 

-Ari