I’m referring to my belly of course. People always ask if they can touch my belly, I don’t understand the phenomenon, but I like making people feel uncomfortable by telling them they can touch mine, if I can touch theirs (& winking). Being pregnant certainly hasn’t diminished my sense of humor, so I thought I would grace everyone with the truths on being pregnant…I’m sure there are a million articles & blogs that are similar but I mean who are you going to trust…me or them?! “Them” refers to those women who showcase pregnancy as bubbles & flowers floating in a spring meadow as they’re spinning in circles, laughing with their significant other in the sunshine for 10 months & then the baby just floats out of their vagina. So here’s the real deal.
Morning sickness is real – although I had an extreme case of
morning sickness, some women experience it, & some never do. Say 100 hail
mary’s that you don’t, because it was the worst 5 months of my life. Brushing
your teeth turns into gagging & puking fest…& your sense of smell is
ridiculous, so that doesn’t help the nausea. I’ll just sum it up by saying I would throw up
after eating or drinking anything, & not the cute/polite throwing up…the exorcism
of Emily Rose throwing up. It was projectile & I would almost black out
every time from all the pressure in my head. I was graced with broken blood vessels all
over my face, & crawled to the bathroom more times than not. Most of my
favorite foods were ruined forever, & no home remedy or voodoo potions
worked (& trust me, everyone thinks they have the perfect advice for you).
I would cry at the dinner table because eating was so frustrating. It finally
subsided after 15 weeks, but even with medication I was still sick until about
20 weeks. (PS I lost 36lbs)
Hungry hippo status – food is everything. If you don’t eat
within a few hours, you start to feel nauseous & don’t know if you’re going
to be sick or if you should eat. Always eat…it’s hard to when you feel queasy,
but that’s the only way to fix it. Always have snacks on you…because trust me,
you don’t know the definition of angry & hungry until you’re pregnant.
Hangry.
The way food tastes changes – cravings are definitely a real
thing, & when you finally get a hold of the peanut butter, mac & cheese,
or fried okra, it’s like you just smoked a little ganja & fulfilled a
munchies dream. The food tastes so.damn.good. On the other hand, food you once
loved becomes grotesque. I couldn’t eat chicken for 6 months…& I would take
a bite of something & practically spit it back out because it was
disgusting…even foods I’ve always loved. Shit is weird.
Stretching skin huurrttss – I’ve always heard that your
stomach is itchy, which is true…but worse than that it hurts so bad. I’ve heard
mixed reviews for girls vs. boys because girls sit a lot higher…but let me tell
you…when the skin right under your boobs starts to protrude & stretch, you
can feel it all the way around your sides & back because your tendons &
ligaments are freaking the freak out. Every day it my skin gets tighter &
tighter & it feel s like she’s going to just rip out of my abs, or lack thereof.
Oh & the baby moving for the first
time does not feel like “butterflies”…more like 2 eels got loose in your uterus
& are flipping around the coral reef.
Hormones are on another level – things that would normally
annoy you, make you go into a hulk-sized rage. Things that would normally make
you smile, send you into tear fest 2013. You seem like an insane psycho path
because you become so passionate about everything. Your feelings get hurt
easier. Things people say offend you…& you overreact constantly. “crazy
bitch” doesn’t even describe your inner monologue. And never ask a pregnant
woman “aren’t you SO excited!??!”…we are excited, trust me…but there are so
many worries going on in our minds about the baby & it’s health, & whether
the pregnancy is going the way it’s supposed to…we have no idea what emotions
we’re feeling.
Your body isn’t a wonderland – stretch marks look like surface
tape worms, you form a happy trail & hairy belly button, your nipples look
like they got baked in an oven at 500 degrees for 30 minutes, you don’t look
pregnant until you’re at least 6 months…so you just look fat…& the need to
shove your face doesn’t convince people otherwise. Acne. Take your chin &
triple it…your feet & hands swell & look like canned sausages. You can’t reach your legs to shave them, so
you turn into Chewbacca because the effort isn’t worth it. Your vag starts to
hurt. I read that there is an increase in blood flow to that area, so it starts
to be painful to sit. Yeah that happens. In fact, everything hurts. Having to lay on your sides & having acid reflux means I have to sleep on stacked pillows, so most of my weight is on my hips...so I have canada sized bruises on my hip bones constantly. Ever think of that one?
Doctor’s appointments are torture – you get to be weighed
every time. You get blood drawn a million times by people who don’t know how to
work needles. Nobody has any regard for your private parts. You get prodded
& touched everywhere…& even if you don’t pull your pants down far
enough for an ultrasound…they just pull them down for you. The ultrasound jelly
gets stuck in your belly button. You get asked every single question you could
ever imagine…& answering the question about how many sexual partners you’ve
had in front of your MOTHER isn’t favorable…so don’t take her to your first
appointment, just an fyi.
Your body is always 15 degrees hotter – although to you, you
swear you’re about to burst into flames. Most of my pregnancy was spent during
the summer months, & it was absolute torture. Gallons of cold water are a
necessity & I had to by a fan to have on me at all times along with the a/c
because I was freezing everyone out of the house…& I was still soooo hot
with hardly any clothes on. Simple tasks of going to the grocery store seems
like a death sentence…you’re easily overheated, look crazy for having a gallon
of water with you & have to trot your swollen feet up & down the aisles
to create a dinner that you won’t have the energy for cooking once you get home.
Pregnant women “glowing” isn’t real…that’s just sweat & left over makeup
that hasn’t run down your face yet.
You’re narcoleptic – I fall asleep everywhere. Even in
church. If I stop talking, I’m snoozing…so I try to stay engaged. Hah that’s a
joke, I just nap a lot.
Body functions go cray – saying you pee a lot is a joke, because
that becomes your whole life. I do nothing unless I know a bathroom will be
easily accessible. Now at 32 weeks, I’m pretty sure I use the bathroom at least
every 20-30 minutes…also a fun fact…having a full bladder can cause false
contractions (it’s happened to me)…so no holding it ladies!! You can’t poop
normally & a lot of medications cause constipation. Acid reflux is
terrible. You can’t eat anything without some pepcid & a thousand tums. So just
be prepared to be on all kinds of meds just to fix one basic problem. Your body
is freaking out.
And finally, everyone thinks they know everything – aunt betty
has all the right advice, the chick that just had her kid promises “it’s all
worth it” & your mother doesn’t remember having any of these complications
when she was pregnant, so everyone just dismisses you. Trust me, you will hate
everyone, but at the same time, I know it will be worth it…& I know once I
meet my little princess, I’ll forget all the tortures of pregnancy. Butttttttt
that’s why I wanted to write this, as a personal remembering device so that I’m
not so quick to be thrown into baby fever once little miss gets older. USE
PROTECTION. KBYE.
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