Thursday, March 7, 2013

bianca - i'm so vain, i know this survey is about me



1. What has been the highlight of your week? I bought a slice of carrot cake from publix, hoping that it would be at least mediocre because carrot cake is my favorite & it was absolutely amazing. Although you can’t get better carrot cake than from Mrs. Jackie, who has lived across the street from my parents for 26 years, but it’ll do for now.
 2. When did you first become interested in sex? Once I stopped wearing the Arizona company shirts, dungaree baggy jeans & oversized hoodie (aka stopped looking like a man), guys became interested in me & I was interested right back.
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? What kind of bullshit survey is this…but really, hopefully I can score some sort of drunk make out sesh this weekend.
4. Would you ever get plastic surgery? Nope, I’ve seen that shit go wrong too many times.
5. What is the one thing you keep on you 24/7? celly
6. Are you good looking? Fuck yeah, I look good & I know it *conceited, got a reason*
7. Last movie you watched? The devil wears prada. I want to be meryl streep in that movie.
8. Are you a sandwich person? No I’m a human person.
9. Has anyone ever accused you of being gay? Shhhittttt if I had a dollar…. & now with this faux hawk I got goin on, people think I’m a lesbian on the daily… & typing that out I just realized that the first part of my name is the last part of that word. LESBIANCA. fml
10. Have you ever cried to get away with something? How about for like 25 years straight.
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? Truly broken? Probably a year & a half ago
12. Would you ever vacation in Africa? A country full of black people? I’d fit right in. and it’s my dream to go on a safari. Busch gardens isn’t cutting it.
13. Are you happy right now? The happiest I’ve ever been. & that’s the truth.
14. I say Red Rover you say...? I’ll take a red range rover.
15. Where is your phone? 3 inches from my left hand
16. What color are your eyes? Shit brown
17. Are you left-handed? nope
18. Spell your name without vowels: bnc – bink?
19. Do you have any pets? Yeah but I’ve pawned them off on my parents for now. A beautiful pit bull named nugget & an asshole house cat named todd. he is the size of a lion.
20. Favorite Vacation? Too many to name. I would have to say a girls trip to NYC a few years back & my sister’s wedding cruise this past December.
21. What do you dislike currently? Vanilla syrup
22. What are you listening to? The ice machine & the phone ringing…I’m not on the clock yet, so my ass is not answering it.
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? A milli, a milli, a million dollars
24. What is your favorite scent? So my mom bought me a eucalyptus spearmint body wash & at first I thought oh hell no with this old lady scent. But it is amazing! Bath & body works people!
25. Occupations you wanted to be as a kid? Zoologist & a baby sitter…haha fuck that now, I hate children.  I’d die.
26. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching millionaire matchmaker…a girl can dream.
27. When is your birthday? January 30. Aquarius bbbaabbaaayyy.
28. What do you want to buy from an infomercial? Umm everything. Sometimes I watch infomercials for fun. Recently though, they have the metal bowl thingy that you can make tortilla shells in the oven?!?!?! Genius.
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? Last summer…I guess you know what I did.
30. Do you read your horoscope? Everyday and I keep abreast on facts about myself by following aquarian rules on twitter. 94% of it is so true.
31. Where was the last place you bought something? Publix. Pub sub & carrot cake…didn’t we have this discussion?
32. How do you feel about your hair right now? It’s getting longer, thank goodness…but I’m rockin the short do for now.
33. Do you bite your nails? Buugghh yes. That’s why I get my nails done, so I won’t bite them. I have to get them redone though but I decided to let my nails “breathe” for a couple weeks.
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? I have a ring that my parents bought me for my 21st birthday that has more value than me. I don’t wear it often because if I lost it, I’d be a train wreck.
35. What is the prominent color in your closet? black
36. Myspace or facebook? I’m aalll up on fb
37. How fast have you driven a car? Well, the focus starts to shake after 95, so that’s about it
38. Have you ever smoked? Weed? For a lil bit. Cigarettes? Only really attempted like twice (I think it’s disgusto mundo)…I tried to look cool for a split second but it didn’t work & please factor in that I was schmammered…I don’t smoke anything at all anymore. It’s not for me.
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? History, because our teacher hated us & would let us watch movies every class. Finding nemo anyone?
40. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees? A bear! Obvi.
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? The asshole, wanna be thug, “I’ll hit from the back, ma”…type…but I’m steering clear of that. I need a nice white guy. Hahahhahah yeah right. (even I can’t take that statement seriously)
42. Do you have any hidden talents? No way. Least talented person alert.
43. Favorite Song? Probably something from garth brooks.
44. Do you like to sing at all? Yeah I sing all the time…literally every day. Doesn’t mean I’m good at it.
45. Dream Job? I want to be oprah or Chelsea handler…or both
46. Where does most of your family live? South florida, louisiana, texas, minnesota.
47. Could you ever live in a nudest colony? Hell no, I don’t want to see anyone’s junk while doing daily tasks. Like imagine exercising, everything bouncing around in the gym *vomit*
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? Umm yes, I’m princess Bianca.
49. What was the first thing you do when you wake up? Damn my allergies blow in the morning.
50. Do you drink? Everything
51. Favorite quote? “that’s some buuuulllllsshhhitttt”
52. Ever write a coded message? What does that even fucking mean
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? Yes, I was the designated drinker aka maid of honor
54. Do you have any children? Hell no
55. Did you take a nap today? nope
56. Who has the same birthday as you? Christian bale (hotness),wilmer valderama & kid cudi!
57. Ever met anyone famous before? Yeah a couple country stars, some athletes, howard Schultz, starbucks CEO (my favorite one to date)
58. Do you want to be famous one day? ….correction. I WILL be famous one day.
59. Any Pet Peeves? How much time do you have?
60. If you were in jail what would it be for? Punching someone in the face, although it hasn’t happened yet
61. Do you like Brittany Spears? Yeah, she looked sexy with a bald head. & I like doing the “slave 4 u” dance
62. What is your least favorite chore? Putting away laundry!! I can wash & dry all day but it never makes it to my closet/drawers.
63. Have you ever made out for longer than 3 minutes? duh
64. Ever been out of the country? Yesss & going to Ireland june 4! Woop woop
65. Where were you born? Ft. myers, florida bbaaabbyy *plies voice*
66. Could you handle being in the military? Hell no, my ass is not in shape enough
67. Do you have a "type"? unfortunately
68. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldnt? All the time…can you say “drunk decisions”?
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? I laugh really hard like every 5 minutes.
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Like 10. I have a giant foot & it’s hard to find shoes that fit & that I like.
71. Have you ever been on a blind date? Well, if you count meeting someone totally wasted & then going on a date & having no clue what they look like or remember a damn thing you talked about. They show up to your door to pick you up & you’re like “ohhhh you, nice to see you again” because you have to figure out their name still?... then yes. I’ve been on a blind date
72. Would you consider yourself a sexual person?  definitely.
73. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yeah I was a boy scout.
74. Have you ever been gambling? Yes & I won $118 in the casino on my last cruise! Woop!
75. Have you ever been attracted to the same sex? All the time, beautiful people come in all shapes, sizes, & gender…& I can appreciate that.
76. Do you like roller coasters? The anticipation of clicking up the hill & then diving to my death doesn’t sound super appealing. But I can handle some of them.
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? I’ve lived in florida all my life. So duh.
78. Have you ever thought about what people would say at your funeral? Actually yes, & I want everyone taking shots of tequila. That’s a real request.
79. Are first impressions everything? Absolutely. I’ve learned that you can give that person more chances, but passed the 5th time hanging out with them, they just circle back to the beginning. You are who you are. & if you change that depending on who is around, then I don’t like you anyways.
80. Would you consider yourself shy? pppssshh
81. Have you ever ran out of gas? Yes. It’s a fun story. I was taking a one night stand back to the navy base (fml) & I ran out of gas 2 miles from my house…at 430 am. My lovely roommate came & got us, bless her heart, I still owe her big time.
82. How do you think people perceive you? How much time do we have?
83. Have you ever been in love? yes
84. What states have you lived in? floridddaaaa. Stand up. (I get ghetto the second I start talking about where I’m from)
85. Do you wish you could move? Nope. There’s no other state for me.
86. Never have I ever? This is a tough one to get me on…I’ve tried a lot. A whole lot.
87. What is your dream car? Ummm just something not shitty.
88. Have you ever won a contest? I won a coloring contest in 2nd grade at the circus. I won an inflatable pink & blue elephant.
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? Channing tatum’s bed.
90. Could you ever be a stripper or pose nude? No, unless strippers start wearing leggings with an oversized t-shirt, then I’m good.
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Ari - Circa 2005

1. What has been the highlight of your week?
- Definitely coming home to Michael and Royce, I could tell they missed me =)
- Damn, throwing out the hard questions off rip -_-  But uhhhh thats a hard one cause I dont remember a defining moment, I just think I always have.
























































































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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Hog Heaven

Michael and I have been looking for a new vehicle ever since he sold his beloved truck.  So about a month now.  We've been to a handful of dealerships and looked at too many makes and models to mention.  I strive to be a supportive wife no matter the situation, so most of the time I just sat back and let him make the decisions.  After all it is his car so whatever he wanted, I also wanted for him.
But going around searching brought back a specific memory: Bianca's first car.
My mom and I also searched numerous dealerships, makes, and models.  My dad is a Ford man and has never owned anything else, he also refusesss to purchase anything but a Ford.  I knew Bianca wasn't too keen on the models out at the time, but every time we'd come home with information about a non-Ford my dad would just turn up the TV as if we weren't talking.  We finally decided on a red Focus and it was in the driveway by that night.
Although we had a lot of great memories in that car, one always comes to mind immediately and can turn my day around instantly.
We were alwayssss late to school in the mornings.  Bianca can sleep through a skyscraper demolition, so an alarm clock didn't even make her stop drooling in the mornings.  I'm an "on time freak", meaning I freak the eff out if I'm not on time.  I'm sure I don't have to mention that we also had to fit in a 30 minute screaming match before the first foot was out the door.  And we faced a 20 minute commute to get there.
On this particular morning we were extra late for some reason.  So Bianca was going roughly 10 or 30 miles over the speed limit.  All of a sudden the Focus took flight before we even knew what had happened.  Whatever we just hit made the loudest crash and sent us up in the air.  Bianca made a sharp right to get off of the road and we rock, paper, scissored over who had to get out to look at it.  No matter if I won or not, I lost.  Bianca is way too smart for my pea brain, so she'd trick me in to doing practically anything.  It was not what I had expected at all.  As I walked around to the front the stench almost knocked me on my ass.  There were pieces of flesh and hair on the bumper and underneath the car to the front wheels.  She had hit a hog.  Thank goodness it had already been dead, Bianca just spread him around a little bit. -_- There was nothing to get it off with so we just kept driving.  The rest of the car ride was pretty silent.  Finally arriving at school a couple minutes late, we quickly gave a once over.  No more carcass, but it smelled horrific.  And that smell didn't go away any quicker than either one of us would be willing to admit.  The shear fright on Bianca's face as we were airborne is burned into my brain and still effing hilarious.
Rest assured that Michael finally settled on a car. A 2013 Ford Fusion.  Seeing how happy he was totally made my year.  He has never owned a new car and if anyone deserves it, he does.  He is such an amazing dad, husband, and friend. I'd pay any amount of money just to make him smile. Okay that's enough sappy shit for me.
Our new family member
Have a great day everyone!
-Ari
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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

i'm gonna throw it out, and you can throw it back if you want



Last night I was at a gay bar, being served drinks by the most beautiful woman in the bar, who just so happened to have the biggest dick in the bar, all showcased on her facebook profile picture where you get a bird’s eye view of it, crazy. (let's be clear, i may get hit on by lesbians incessantly, but i am not one) And it had me thinking that dating these days is so crazy, how do you keep track of all these situations that you never saw coming? Who’s who, what’s what, and where the fuck did that come from? Apologies for my brain being in a hundred places but let’s talk about it.  So because I’m single, I like talking about relationships and all that it entails, and because I’m a psychology major, I like analyzing the shit out of everything. Let’s all hope I don’t become the annoying taylor swift of blogs, but for now I’ll go with it. I don’t see any Jonas brothers in sight.
 If everyone was being honest, we would all be in the ‘it’s complicated’ relationship in real life. Facebook approved. Us single folks are in this intertwined death web of dating. The famous question asked by people who want to catch up on your life in 30 seconds, “are you talking to anyone”? ‘Talking’ - a term created to basically say that you kind of like each other, probably text often, see each other sometimes, possibly hooked up a few times, avoid eye contact if you see the other across the bar, and would be pissed if that other person were also ‘talking’ to someone else. The more you get to know this person you’re ‘talking’ to, the more you want to know where you stand with them. The ‘what are we?’ type question, even though you can’t come right out and say that because you would seem crazy. Why are we always putting labels, names and categories on ourselves and our relationships? It’s so we don’t go fucking insane, that’s why. Whether you think so or not, we care about how we are seen through someone else’s eyes, and that is especially true if you’re dating that person. And depending on how you feel about them, you might care about what they say, or you might not give a shit… but bottom line is that you just want to know. You might have several people you’re talking to, or maybe just one…but you are usually more serious with one of them and probably just occasionally text the others.
There are also subcategories to dating and everyone approaches seriousness of ‘talking’ differently. We have the go out to dinner and not kiss until the 2nd date daters (pssshhhh), the texting only –ers, the complicated hooker-uppers, the on the way to a real relationshippers, the ‘we were only friends for years and now we want to see what would happen’ –ers, the ‘you have no real chance in hell to be with me, but we might as well have sex only because it’s good’–ers, the ‘I’m only still seeing you because I have no other options’ –ers, and finally the ‘we don’t ever talk except for the text at 11pm saying, you should come over’ -ers . All leading to what may be something serious or what may be a fucking spiral into misery. Once this point is hit, then it’s nothing but a clusterfuck of emotions, misunderstandings, and bullshit.
For example, how many of you have been hooking up with somebody and just simply want to know if the other person is sleeping with anyone else? Um hi, I don’t want gonnorhea from your tuesday, thursday, saturday slut. I may be the monday, wednesday, sunday slut, but I just want to know. And holy koala tits, should we throw in the random friday girl that you met out and were so intrigued by her charming tits, that you had to take her home? Because come on, I may have a pretty face, but I’m not oblivious to this whole “dating game” (will figure out how to define that later). And even the most unfortunate looking person could possibly be roping in several prospects. But regardless, no matter how you preface the question, you’ll always come off as the crazy one. You’re not asking for a commitment, you’re not asking to marry them tomorrow, but that question scares people. It’s not scary because of what is being asked, it’s scary because it’s a question in general. Are you trying to tie me down? Although we want a category for what we are and where we’re going with whatever we’re doing, or lezbehonest, who we’re doing, but the second we’re questioned about it, we freak out. Like freak out. If someone asked me a question about where our relationships stand, whether I like them or not, I break out in hives. Thick, red, raised welts all over my neck and chest. Like I think my throat is closing up right now. But it’s human nature to always want to know what the other person is feeling just to make sure we’re on the same page, but that never ends well because people.don’t.like.questions. Then here comes the argument that turns into the conversation of ‘will be ever be anything, like ever’? What are we allowed to ask, what are we allowed to tell people about “us”. Is there even an “us”? is it still too soon, or are you ready to only be “talking” to me, and can we let facebook know that we are now in a relationship with so and so?! No way, don’t go there…don’t be the one to ask the questions…let the other person look psychotic. Nothing is ever easy, it’s never nothing. It’s always something.

-BR
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Tough Love

I take offense to people who meet Bianca and I and don't automatically love us.  What they need to do is find the nearest Psychologist and figure some shit out in their life.  For anyone who has met one or the other first before knowing us both gets a little mind fucked when they "experience" us together for the first time. We feed off of each others humor, and when I say humor I mean our tendency to be sarcastic assholes.  Making someone give us the look as if they're balls are being squeezed like a lemon is our goal.every.time.  But we also accept tears as payment too.
But to meet us isn't to really know or understand us.  So in celebration of my very FIRST ENTRY.  Id like to give you some tid-bits if you will, of things that will make you say "ohhhhhh. They're still crazy af but it all makes sense now".  Sooooo here we goooooo.
Bianca is my older sister (not my oldest, Kylie is my oldest sister who looks as old as Bianca acts).  We are 22 months apart and there isn't a memory that doesn't have her in it, duh.  We did everything together.  Fishing, playing basketball, chasing our geese around the yard, riding horses and playing hide and seek (where Bianca would leave me to go inside and I'd be lost for days).  We grew up on 10 acres of farm land in a tiny town that you've never heard of.  We always wanted to be outside getting into shit that would make my mom wanna pluck her eyelashes out individually. We were definitely tom boys, every now and then we'd slip up and play with some barbie dolls that would end up naked with no heads.  We had a hate for fake bitches from the start.  Although we would get along majority of the time we had our days (everyday) where we would start throwing punches, pulling hair, and biting eachother. Ruthless bitches smh.  I remember my mom begging us to go a day without her having to pull one of us off the other.  And that only happened if we were realllllly sick, my poor mom.  But we had an incredible bond and wouldnt go anywhere without the other and we would hold hands where ever we went.  I still make Bianca hold my hand in public just for my own entertainment.
Once we both were in high school our relationship changed, I say by default.  My parents raised us really strict and they made a rule that she couldn't go out or to parties without me being with her.  So basically they made her hate me for something I had no control over. I cant blame her.  All my life Ive looked up to Bianca as a role model, she's so smart and has always had a quirky sense of humor.  So the fact that I could hang out with the coolest person in the world plus her "cool" friends, was just enough excitement to be retardedly annoying to them.
One of the turning moments in our relationship was when Bianca moved to Jacksonville for her first semester at UNF.  My mom and I helped her move in to her dorm and set everything up.  I remember crying all the way home and walking around like a zombie until she came home for the first time.  I felt like I was missing a limb without her.  Even though Id go visit her frequently it never became easier to separate myself from my best friend.  Our lives which had once been parallel was now starting to intersect occasionally and travel in different directions often.  But that changed us from sisters to the absolute best of friends.  There isnt anything we dont share with one another.  For those that know us know this is also one of our best attributes.  There isnt a subject that is too hard to talk about or any situation that we cant make awkward enough.  Honesty is our policy.  In most cases we're wayyyyy to honest for the general public.  People prefer to hear a comforting lie than the blunt truth.  Ive seen it 10 times over.
But the moment that truly changed us stems from me being an immature know-it-all and her displaying some much needed tough love.  A couple of years ago I started dating the scum of the earth to put lightly, and so ill refer to him as POS from here on.  He wasnt good for me, he was ambitionless and abusive in everysense of the word.  Even though I always made excuses for him and the bruises I always had, Bianca saw right through that.  I wouldnt expect anything less for someone who knows me like she does.  POS had convinced me to move with him to texas where he had this wonderful life planned out for us.  I told my family of my decision to move and they were absolutely devistated.  But nobody handled it quite like Bianca.  I remember her crying begging me to not go and to move in with her instead.  Because of my stubborn bone, I refused.  And she said something that I never forgot, "If you go I will never talk to you as long as you are with him, when you wake the hell up and decide to stop being stupid, you can call me.  Otherwise  I dont want to hear from you."  I was so deeply angered by her saying that, so I rationalized it by writting her off.  And carried around an "ill show her" chip on my shoulder.  Im not sure what I was trying to prove because deep down I knew POS was a POS.
To no surprise as soon as we left he did a complete 180 on me.  POS promised a nice house; we were homeless for 2 months.  POS promised he had a job; he was jobless the entire time and we spent at least a month finding myself a job.  POS promise our relationship would be better than before, but yet he was still being abusive to the point of not being able to open my eyes for a couple of days.  POS promised so much and there wasnt one that he kept.  All the while I just wanted to call my sister, we'd never gone longer than a few days of not talking or seeing one another and it had been 5 months already.  The day I finally admitted to myself that she had been right, I texted her.  She instantly replyied  with an "I miss you too".  It was another month or so before I was able to get away from his constant grip, but when I did I ran as fast as I could.  And guess who was my first phone call?  I asked Bianca if I could go to Jacksonville.
I remember walking up to her doorstep, it was almost noon.  She opened the door and had a horrified look on her face but immediately opened her arms.  I was 119lbs with burns, cuts, and bruises scattered around.  I was wearing shorts that once fit but now were rolled 3 times at the waist band just to get them to stay up.  I didnt even notice my weight or my apperance until I saw her shocked face. 
Ever since that day she put me under her wing and nursed me back to health by buying me at the least 2 milkshakes a day to look normal agian.  It felt like we were kids again and I was the happiest Id ever been at that point.  If it werent for her tough love I dont know if I ever would have made it back, or made it at all. 
I told you that story so you could understand the bond that we have.  It's comparable to my relationship with my son and my husband.  Pure unconditional love.  We know what eachother is going to say before it is said and saying the same thing at the same damn time (future voice) is no longer an oddity.  So for us to tag team someone with our sarcasm comes with ease.  We unapologetically say whatever to comes to mind and the other is right there to back it.  And lord have mercy on the person that pisses one of us off, it's been known to end in their heads bouncing off the bar floor and their friend being used as a mop. And that story will have to be a "to be continued".  But it's pretty rich, one of my all time favs. 
Have a great day everyone and love the ones you're with!- Ari
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