strip club etiquette

Since my mom has decided to grace herself with being the number one fan of this blog, I figured I couldn’t change the name of it, because I liked it too much, so I’ll welcome her to the table with this story. Stripper time.

This weekend some friends came into town & after bottles of wine & dinner on a rooftop bar, we decided to trade in a little class for trash. Strip club anyone? We were pre-warned that this place was not the greatest, but it was only a mile or so away & would be entertainment at the very least. And I guess I should throw out a mini disclaimer that I don’t mind going to strip clubs, & have been to a few...the music is decent & the boots are shiny. So we rolled into this place & it was everything I expected - the size of my living room, rope style Christmas lights lining the stage, a DJ booth that was meant for midgets & a few pool tables in the back. The cigarette smoke was thick & although I couldn’t breathe, it made every female in there look like nicki minaj.

Of course for these occasions it always has to be someone’s fake birthday, and I’m the one that got chosen. After verifying with the bartender that we wouldn’t be stabbed, we ordered a couple buckets of beer, & traded in our twenties for singles. Let’s be clear when 2chainz said that he wanted to be buried inside of the booty club, I didn’t think he meant in one that was the size of a coffin.

Our next move was buying our dear friend a lap dance to spice things up & he was down. The club was way too small for a VIP area, so for $10 he got a lap dance in a corner chair. Me being the instigator that I am, decided that I would join him & be there for moral support…aka… just throw down more bills to make it interesting. So dennis rodman came over in a corset & a thong and we were in business. She also had one of those tattoos on her ass cheek that looked like it may have been an intricate mural of some sort & now it just looks like mike tyson’s face.  I kept tucking bills in his shirt, his pockets & in her thong of course. Things kept getting more & more heated & I just kept throwing out the dollar bills. First the tits came out, & then pants were being unzipped with teeth…she reached above him to pull these chains from the ceiling & at that point I was outta there. I think there was some sort of dog collar next to the railing, but I wasn’t hanging out to find out. I realized that my dollar bill giving had gotten out of control & I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, but I sure as hell was getting what I paid for… an interactive ride through the vagina safari.  

 
Dennis had to go up on stage after that, so we were graced with even more of her flawless moves. By flawless moves, I mean her stomach making most of the slapping noises. Don’t get me wrong, homegirl was full of confidence, or hyped up on heroin, but she was workin it to say the least. I decided to give her my last few bills because I didn’t want crumpled stripper dollars in my purse the next day. A man had all her attention, so I just decided to walk up & set the bills on the edge of the stage & she took them obvi…I just didn’t want to interrupt their obvious love connection. As we’re chugging the remainder of our beers & high tailing it out of there, the love connection, who looked like a clint eastwood/injun joe hybrid, makes his way over to me. I could hear the tumbleweeds blowing across the floor & the eerie whistling noise. With his weird cowboy hat tipped back, he made straight eye contact & says “that was very disrespectful of you to do that”. I was appalled. I just got called disrespectful in a strip club, ironic to say the least. So I asked him why he thought so, and he said, “because you’re supposed to hand them what they earn, not just throw it up there”. So I turned, looked at him & just said “I’ll do what I want with my money” & gave him a stink eye all the way out the door. Sorry I set it down instead of putting it in between her cheeks. I would have probably said to more to him, but I didn’t want him to go all Wild West on me. I don't feel like I'm ever disrespectful...for my own personal tastes, I'm more on a look but don't touch policy. Someone help me out here…I would never want to be disrespectful to anyone, was I in the wrong? Is there a stripper code that I’m not aware of & where can I read these directions? I’d like to know for future strip club ventures, so feel free to message me any tips. R-e-s-p-e-c-t, I’m channeling Aretha right now.

-BR

Perception is Everything

I remember from the time I was young my dad saying to us, "what does a murderer look like?".  I didn't necessarily understand his point at the time, so I would just throw out some general descriptions that I felt were correct.

My dad has his Bachelors degree in criminal justice from Minot State University in North Dakota.  He eventually returned to his good ole hometown (Labelle) to serve his community.  He was a deputy for a couple of years but was mainly interested in investigations.  He eventually started his own private investigation business.  Anything and I mean ANYTHING my dad does he strives to be the best at and more times than not is the best. *Imagine for a second trying to sneak a lie past him, oh hell no, not happening*
Now that I'm older and maybe a little smarter, that question resonates in my head all of the time. 

"What does a murderer look like?" Stop and think about it for just a second.
Are they tall, skinny, blond, hairy, with webbed toes, a big nose, no wisdom teeth, 15/20 vision, that works at a Piggly Wiggly?  Ive heard time and time again after a massacre, "he was such a great person, I would've never expected this from him" blah blah blah.  What made it so unexpected?  Simple. You can not specify attributes to determine a criminal.  They come in all shapes in sizes.  But yet we still put a title on the people we consider dangerous.  Predefining a person before giving them the chance to see who they really are.  Keep in mind that we are all created exactly the same; the fastest swimming sperm.

 

Lets have a little overview of "unexpected" criminals 

Natalie Hollaway murder in Aruba ring a bell?

 

This woman and her husband were busted after putting an ad up on Craigslist looking for a dog... to have a threesome with them.

(http://www.11points.com/News-Politics/11_Most_Ridiculous_Criminals_of_2012?utm_source=knowd.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=11-absolutely-ridiculous-criminals)

 

This transgender woman is 30-year-old Oneal Morris of Miami Gardens, Florida. She was arrested in November for giving people illegal buttock injections with cement, Fix-a-Flat tire repair solution, and super glue.

http://www.11points.com/News-Politics/11_Most_Ridiculous_Criminals_of_2011

 

 A sweet little old landlady in Sacramento, Dorothea had been ducking and in out of the can for finance-related crimes and petty theft before settling into a two story house that she would rent out to also elderly inhabitants. At the charming age of sixty, police discovered Puente was killing off her boarders and collecting the insurance money. The evidence? Seven bodies buried shallowly in her back yard. Apparently Puente wasn’t always as feeble as she was just before her death nearly twenty years later, still claiming the victims died of natural causes

http://rawjustice.com/2011/01/25/lady-killers-14-female-murderers/

 

 

 

You never know somebodies intentions or who you are passing by in the grocery store.  My objective was not to make you cautious of everyone you meet, but not to pass judgement according to your predetermination of a "criminal". Do not judge a book by its cover; Watch the movie first ;)

 

 

-Ari

bianca - i'm so vain, i know this survey is about me

1. What has been the highlight of your week? I bought a slice of carrot cake from publix, hoping that it would be at least mediocre because carrot cake is my favorite & it was absolutely amazing. Although you can’t get better carrot cake than from Mrs. Jackie, who has lived across the street from my parents for 26 years, but it’ll do for now.

 2. When did you first become interested in sex? Once I stopped wearing the Arizona company shirts, dungaree baggy jeans & oversized hoodie (aka stopped looking like a man), guys became interested in me & I was interested right back.

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? What kind of bullshit survey is this…but really, hopefully I can score some sort of drunk make out sesh this weekend.

4. Would you ever get plastic surgery? Nope, I’ve seen that shit go wrong too many times.

5. What is the one thing you keep on you 24/7? celly

6. Are you good looking? Fuck yeah, I look good & I know it *conceited, got a reason*

7. Last movie you watched? The devil wears prada. I want to be meryl streep in that movie.

8. Are you a sandwich person? No I’m a human person.

9. Has anyone ever accused you of being gay? Shhhittttt if I had a dollar…. & now with this faux hawk I got goin on, people think I’m a lesbian on the daily… & typing that out I just realized that the first part of my name is the last part of that word. LESBIANCA. fml

10. Have you ever cried to get away with something? How about for like 25 years straight.

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? Truly broken? Probably a year & a half ago

12. Would you ever vacation in Africa? A country full of black people? I’d fit right in. and it’s my dream to go on a safari. Busch gardens isn’t cutting it.

13. Are you happy right now? The happiest I’ve ever been. & that’s the truth.

14. I say Red Rover you say...? I’ll take a red range rover.

15. Where is your phone? 3 inches from my left hand

16. What color are your eyes? Shit brown

17. Are you left-handed? nope

18. Spell your name without vowels: bnc – bink?

19. Do you have any pets? Yeah but I’ve pawned them off on my parents for now. A beautiful pit bull named nugget & an asshole house cat named todd. he is the size of a lion.

20. Favorite Vacation? Too many to name. I would have to say a girls trip to NYC a few years back & my sister’s wedding cruise this past December.

21. What do you dislike currently? Vanilla syrup

22. What are you listening to? The ice machine & the phone ringing…I’m not on the clock yet, so my ass is not answering it.

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? A milli, a milli, a million dollars

24. What is your favorite scent? So my mom bought me a eucalyptus spearmint body wash & at first I thought oh hell no with this old lady scent. But it is amazing! Bath & body works people!

25. Occupations you wanted to be as a kid? Zoologist & a baby sitter…haha fuck that now, I hate children.  I’d die.

26. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching millionaire matchmaker…a girl can dream.

27. When is your birthday? January 30. Aquarius bbbaabbaaayyy.

28. What do you want to buy from an infomercial? Umm everything. Sometimes I watch infomercials for fun. Recently though, they have the metal bowl thingy that you can make tortilla shells in the oven?!?!?! Genius.

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? Last summer…I guess you know what I did.

30. Do you read your horoscope? Everyday and I keep abreast on facts about myself by following aquarian rules on twitter. 94% of it is so true.

31. Where was the last place you bought something? Publix. Pub sub & carrot cake…didn’t we have this discussion?

32. How do you feel about your hair right now? It’s getting longer, thank goodness…but I’m rockin the short do for now.

33. Do you bite your nails? Buugghh yes. That’s why I get my nails done, so I won’t bite them. I have to get them redone though but I decided to let my nails “breathe” for a couple weeks.

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? I have a ring that my parents bought me for my 21^st birthday that has more value than me. I don’t wear it often because if I lost it, I’d be a train wreck.

35. What is the prominent color in your closet? black

36. Myspace or facebook? I’m aalll up on fb

37. How fast have you driven a car? Well, the focus starts to shake after 95, so that’s about it

38. Have you ever smoked? Weed? For a lil bit. Cigarettes? Only really attempted like twice (I think it’s disgusto mundo)…I tried to look cool for a split second but it didn’t work & please factor in that I was schmammered…I don’t smoke anything at all anymore. It’s not for me.

39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? History, because our teacher hated us & would let us watch movies every class. Finding nemo anyone?

40. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees? A bear! Obvi.

41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? The asshole, wanna be thug, “I’ll hit from the back, ma”…type…but I’m steering clear of that. I need a nice white guy. Hahahhahah yeah right. (even I can’t take that statement seriously)

42. Do you have any hidden talents? No way. Least talented person alert.

43. Favorite Song? Probably something from garth brooks.

44. Do you like to sing at all? Yeah I sing all the time…literally every day. Doesn’t mean I’m good at it.

45. Dream Job? I want to be oprah or Chelsea handler…or both

46. Where does most of your family live? South florida, louisiana, texas, minnesota.

47. Could you ever live in a nudest colony? Hell no, I don’t want to see anyone’s junk while doing daily tasks. Like imagine exercising, everything bouncing around in the gym *vomit*

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? Umm yes, I’m princess Bianca.

49. What was the first thing you do when you wake up? Damn my allergies blow in the morning.

50. Do you drink? Everything

51. Favorite quote? “that’s some buuuulllllsshhhitttt”

52. Ever write a coded message? What does that even fucking mean

53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? Yes, I was the designated drinker aka maid of honor

54. Do you have any children? Hell no

55. Did you take a nap today? nope

56. Who has the same birthday as you? Christian bale (hotness),wilmer valderama & kid cudi!

57. Ever met anyone famous before? Yeah a couple country stars, some athletes, howard Schultz, starbucks CEO (my favorite one to date)

58. Do you want to be famous one day? ….correction. I WILL be famous one day.

59. Any Pet Peeves? How much time do you have?

60. If you were in jail what would it be for? Punching someone in the face, although it hasn’t happened yet

61. Do you like Brittany Spears? Yeah, she looked sexy with a bald head. & I like doing the “slave 4 u” dance

62. What is your least favorite chore? Putting away laundry!! I can wash & dry all day but it never makes it to my closet/drawers.

63. Have you ever made out for longer than 3 minutes? duh

64. Ever been out of the country? Yesss & going to Ireland june 4! Woop woop

65. Where were you born? Ft. myers, florida bbaaabbyy *plies voice*

66. Could you handle being in the military? Hell no, my ass is not in shape enough

67. Do you have a "type"? unfortunately

68. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldnt? All the time…can you say “drunk decisions”?

69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? I laugh really hard like every 5 minutes.

70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Like 10. I have a giant foot & it’s hard to find shoes that fit & that I like.

71. Have you ever been on a blind date? Well, if you count meeting someone totally wasted & then going on a date & having no clue what they look like or remember a damn thing you talked about. They show up to your door to pick you up & you’re like “ohhhh you, nice to see you again” because you have to figure out their name still?... then yes. I’ve been on a blind date

72. Would you consider yourself a sexual person?  definitely.

73. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yeah I was a boy scout.

74. Have you ever been gambling? Yes & I won $118 in the casino on my last cruise! Woop!

75. Have you ever been attracted to the same sex? All the time, beautiful people come in all shapes, sizes, & gender…& I can appreciate that.

76. Do you like roller coasters? The anticipation of clicking up the hill & then diving to my death doesn’t sound super appealing. But I can handle some of them.

77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? I’ve lived in florida all my life. So duh.

78. Have you ever thought about what people would say at your funeral? Actually yes, & I want everyone taking shots of tequila. That’s a real request.

79. Are first impressions everything? Absolutely. I’ve learned that you can give that person more chances, but passed the 5^th time hanging out with them, they just circle back to the beginning. You are who you are. & if you change that depending on who is around, then I don’t like you anyways.

80. Would you consider yourself shy? pppssshh

81. Have you ever ran out of gas? Yes. It’s a fun story. I was taking a one night stand back to the navy base (fml) & I ran out of gas 2 miles from my house…at 430 am. My lovely roommate came & got us, bless her heart, I still owe her big time.

82. How do you think people perceive you? How much time do we have?

83. Have you ever been in love? yes

84. What states have you lived in? floridddaaaa. Stand up. (I get ghetto the second I start talking about where I’m from)

85. Do you wish you could move? Nope. There’s no other state for me.

86. Never have I ever? This is a tough one to get me on…I’ve tried a lot. A whole lot.

87. What is your dream car? Ummm just something not shitty.

88. Have you ever won a contest? I won a coloring contest in 2^nd grade at the circus. I won an inflatable pink & blue elephant.

89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? Channing tatum’s bed.

90. Could you ever be a stripper or pose nude? No, unless strippers start wearing leggings with an oversized t-shirt, then I’m good.