Are you the kitten or the tiger?

I started writing this blog with the intent of sharing after birth truths to follow up Biancas previous blog on pregnancy, but as I got to writing I realized there was much more depth in the way I felt about myself after having Royce.  So excuse the ADDish thought process (that's just how my brain works yall).

So I want to start by talking about my boobs. Before getting pregnant I was a full B and always wanted bigger boobs to balance out my counter part behind me.  During my pregnancy they increased to a full C and if nothing else that totally made me feel like hot shit.  Even though my weekly increase in weight made me depressed, I still was super proud of my new set of cans.
The day of delivery was literally the best day of my life.  After my spinal block and being placed on the surgery table, I felt brand new.  No more pain or discomfort of any sort, my head was in the clouds and Royce was out within 15 minutes.  That first cry I will never forget.  They sewed me up and sent me in to a recovery room and informed me Royce needed to be in the NICU because he was having trouble breathing.  Can you say panicking???

Now back to boobs.  Within 1 hour they went from a full C to overflowing a DDD bra.  Royce wouldn't latch on so I started pumping like a dairy cow.  And I finally had my dream boobs, they were so huge they were naturally shinny like porn star status.  I was like a kid seeing boobs for the first time.  Squeezing, poking and jiggling them all the time.  I was able to pump for 2 weeks before the milk just stopped coming, not sure why all I know is I'd cry about it way too much thinking I was hurting Royce some how.  And I was crying even more cause porn star boobs turned into empty garbage bags within days.

I am now back down to a small B cup and I've spent wayyyy too much time obsessing over having an augmentation. I truly suffered from Postpartum for at least 6 months. I now had a "mom body", complete with stretch marks and Royces exit wound. I struggled with my self image, not wanting to go anywhere, or even take pictures with my beautiful newborn (stupid).  I felt I lost my identity along with the body I used to have.  Id cry about it all the time as if that would change something.

Then one day I had an epiphany. This body is the one that I was meant to have, made to perfection by my creator.  So did the addition of somethings and the subtraction of other things change who I AM?  Did it make me any worse of a human being?  Did it change my personality or my intelligence?  I had to ask myself, "would I give up Royce to have the "perfect" body back?" Fuck.no.  He's the best gift I could've ever received.  Right then I made the decision to stop feeding my brain with bullshit nonsense about not being pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough.  Because to my husband and that special little boy, I am perfect in every sense of the word.  I've learned to embrace those scars because they are beautiful reminders of my love and sacrifice for my son.

If you are struggling with body image issues, with or without a child, I want you to realize that it is YOU who is feeding your insecurity.  YOU are the one telling yourself you aren't good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, pretty enough.  So it is YOU that has to change your self talk to positive self talk.  If you were to look in the mirror while getting ready every morning and say "damn I look good, I'd eat a plate of me."

 I guarantee you'd hold your head up all day long believing you're the shit.  And there is nothing more sexy than a woman with confidence.(not cockiness, that's furking annoying) All it takes is positive self talk.  I used to stand in the mirror and just observe all my flaws that only I would ever notice. Not any more.  Sure I have stretch marks, small boobs, and cellulite.  But that is exactly what makes me who I am.  It differentiates me from other women, they are not my flaws they are my perfections.

That small shift in the way I thought of myself has changed so many things in my life and opened a lot of doors that the thought "im not good enough" closed.  It is definitely not an over night thing especially if you've been dealing with insecurities from childhood as I had.  But once you make the conscious effort to ignore those nagging negative thoughts and start verbalizing positive self confirmations, you will realize that you have wasted too much time putting yourself down.  It takes just as much effort to say nasty things to yourself as it does to take power over your self confidence.  It is a daily effort but once you get the hang of it, it will just come naturally.  And you know what the best part is?  All of the negative things people will say about you will NOT bring you down anymore.  It will just blow away with the wind because YOU know who YOU are and one persons opinion can NOT change that.  Who cares if someone likes you or not?  Is your goal in life to please everyone or please yourself?  By choosing to please yourself and nurture your self worth, not a soul will be able to convince you otherwise.  And by pleasing yourself you in turn please others because there is nothing better than being in the company of a positive person.  It is the most infectious attitude to embody.  If you love yourself it will be easy for others to love you as well.  Realize you are given one body, one mind, one soul, one life, and the best gift you can give yourself is to be in love with every bit of it.  It starts with YOU.

Have a great day and love the ones you're with!
- Ari

You can touch mine, if I can touch yours...

I’m referring to my belly of course. People always ask if they can touch my belly, I don’t understand the phenomenon, but I like making people feel uncomfortable by telling them they can touch mine, if I can touch theirs (& winking). Being pregnant certainly hasn’t diminished my sense of humor, so I thought I would grace everyone with the truths on being pregnant…I’m sure there are a million articles & blogs that are similar but I mean who are you going to trust…me or them?! “Them” refers to those women who showcase pregnancy as bubbles & flowers floating in a spring meadow as they’re spinning in circles, laughing with their significant other in the sunshine for 10 months & then the baby just floats out of their vagina. So here’s the real deal.

Morning sickness is real – although I had an extreme case of morning sickness, some women experience it, & some never do. Say 100 hail mary’s that you don’t, because it was the worst 5 months of my life. Brushing your teeth turns into gagging & puking fest…& your sense of smell is ridiculous, so that doesn’t help the nausea.  I’ll just sum it up by saying I would throw up after eating or drinking anything, & not the cute/polite throwing up…the exorcism of Emily Rose throwing up. It was projectile & I would almost black out every time from all the pressure in my head.  I was graced with broken blood vessels all over my face, & crawled to the bathroom more times than not. Most of my favorite foods were ruined forever, & no home remedy or voodoo potions worked (& trust me, everyone thinks they have the perfect advice for you). I would cry at the dinner table because eating was so frustrating. It finally subsided after 15 weeks, but even with medication I was still sick until about 20 weeks. (PS I lost 36lbs)

Hungry hippo status – food is everything. If you don’t eat within a few hours, you start to feel nauseous & don’t know if you’re going to be sick or if you should eat. Always eat…it’s hard to when you feel queasy, but that’s the only way to fix it. Always have snacks on you…because trust me, you don’t know the definition of angry & hungry until you’re pregnant. Hangry.

The way food tastes changes – cravings are definitely a real thing, & when you finally get a hold of the peanut butter, mac & cheese, or fried okra, it’s like you just smoked a little ganja & fulfilled a munchies dream. The food tastes so.damn.good. On the other hand, food you once loved becomes grotesque. I couldn’t eat chicken for 6 months…& I would take a bite of something & practically spit it back out because it was disgusting…even foods I’ve always loved. Shit is weird.

Stretching skin huurrttss – I’ve always heard that your stomach is itchy, which is true…but worse than that it hurts so bad. I’ve heard mixed reviews for girls vs. boys because girls sit a lot higher…but let me tell you…when the skin right under your boobs starts to protrude & stretch, you can feel it all the way around your sides & back because your tendons & ligaments are freaking the freak out. Every day it my skin gets tighter & tighter & it feel s like she’s going to just rip out of my abs, or lack thereof.  Oh & the baby moving for the first time does not feel like “butterflies”…more like 2 eels got loose in your uterus & are flipping around the coral reef.

Hormones are on another level – things that would normally annoy you, make you go into a hulk-sized rage. Things that would normally make you smile, send you into tear fest 2013. You seem like an insane psycho path because you become so passionate about everything. Your feelings get hurt easier. Things people say offend you…& you overreact constantly. “crazy bitch” doesn’t even describe your inner monologue. And never ask a pregnant woman “aren’t you SO excited!??!”…we are excited, trust me…but there are so many worries going on in our minds about the baby & it’s health, & whether the pregnancy is going the way it’s supposed to…we have no idea what emotions we’re feeling.

Your body isn’t a wonderland – stretch marks look like surface tape worms, you form a happy trail & hairy belly button, your nipples look like they got baked in an oven at 500 degrees for 30 minutes, you don’t look pregnant until you’re at least 6 months…so you just look fat…& the need to shove your face doesn’t convince people otherwise. Acne. Take your chin & triple it…your feet & hands swell & look like canned sausages.  You can’t reach your legs to shave them, so you turn into Chewbacca because the effort isn’t worth it. Your vag starts to hurt. I read that there is an increase in blood flow to that area, so it starts to be painful to sit. Yeah that happens. In fact, everything hurts. Having to lay on your sides & having acid reflux means I have to sleep on stacked pillows, so most of my weight is on my hips...so I have canada sized bruises on my hip bones constantly. Ever think of that one?

Doctor’s appointments are torture – you get to be weighed every time. You get blood drawn a million times by people who don’t know how to work needles. Nobody has any regard for your private parts. You get prodded & touched everywhere…& even if you don’t pull your pants down far enough for an ultrasound…they just pull them down for you. The ultrasound jelly gets stuck in your belly button. You get asked every single question you could ever imagine…& answering the question about how many sexual partners you’ve had in front of your MOTHER isn’t favorable…so don’t take her to your first appointment, just an fyi.

Your body is always 15 degrees hotter – although to you, you swear you’re about to burst into flames. Most of my pregnancy was spent during the summer months, & it was absolute torture. Gallons of cold water are a necessity & I had to by a fan to have on me at all times along with the a/c because I was freezing everyone out of the house…& I was still soooo hot with hardly any clothes on. Simple tasks of going to the grocery store seems like a death sentence…you’re easily overheated, look crazy for having a gallon of water with you & have to trot your swollen feet up & down the aisles to create a dinner that you won’t have the energy for cooking once you get home. Pregnant women “glowing” isn’t real…that’s just sweat & left over makeup that hasn’t run down your face yet.

You’re narcoleptic – I fall asleep everywhere. Even in church. If I stop talking, I’m snoozing…so I try to stay engaged. Hah that’s a joke, I just nap a lot.

Body functions go cray – saying you pee a lot is a joke, because that becomes your whole life. I do nothing unless I know a bathroom will be easily accessible. Now at 32 weeks, I’m pretty sure I use the bathroom at least every 20-30 minutes…also a fun fact…having a full bladder can cause false contractions (it’s happened to me)…so no holding it ladies!! You can’t poop normally & a lot of medications cause constipation. Acid reflux is terrible. You can’t eat anything without some pepcid & a thousand tums. So just be prepared to be on all kinds of meds just to fix one basic problem. Your body is freaking out.

And finally, everyone thinks they know everything – aunt betty has all the right advice, the chick that just had her kid promises “it’s all worth it” & your mother doesn’t remember having any of these complications when she was pregnant, so everyone just dismisses you. Trust me, you will hate everyone, but at the same time, I know it will be worth it…& I know once I meet my little princess, I’ll forget all the tortures of pregnancy. Butttttttt that’s why I wanted to write this, as a personal remembering device so that I’m not so quick to be thrown into baby fever once little miss gets older. USE PROTECTION. KBYE.